He Was a Friend of Mine

So we each sat in the dimmed room
Each lost in his own sorrow
Each searching his brain for a reason-
To blame, to excuse, to seek the truth.

In a crowd yet alone
Tears filling our eyes, heads paining
So lonely, so worried, far far
Away from close confidants
Unsure, insecure, mourning.

And so we sat, palms on chins,
Afraid to look anywhere but in front
Afraid of the slightest movement
If only there could be an explanation.


Empathetic, of what must have gone though his mind
Did he suffer?
Did he anticipate it?
Was he scared.

We were, afraid, in shock, sad
We would miss his laughter
and Chris Daughtry playing in his laptop
and his trademark shorts
'I'm Allan, 'he'd say, 'not Allen'



( Our classmate had a bad accident, died last week. This has been a very sad week. There's nothing to say really.One can never get used to death, especially of someone you know. I feel it for his parents. If I feel this much sorrow after knowing him for two months,,,how about his mother who's known him 20 years ? He pronounced his name as Allen, but corrected us when we called him that. He was always smiling and nice, asking- so Sis-li-a, how's Cyberia?- {my condo},Miss X, Did you tick my name?- He carried his laptop everywhere. In our Human communication group, he wanted us to review- Baby's Day Out, his favorite movie. I thought he was jocking, he wasn't. We'll surely miss him. I keep thinking- poor Allen, he was so happy )

poem

I search for you in every face I meet
I look keenly, deeply, for a hint, a single hint
I try to observe, the look, the look that will determine.

Within me emotions roll, collide and flow, surging
Emotions, that prove to me there’s potential-see
I never had the chance to express these
In my mind a notion grows
That you will open up the things I feel
These forces within me I can’t interpret.

Then perhaps I’ll open up within me
The warm crystals will melt, the tight gates
Open up, the tight fists relax.

I search for you in every face that passes
I look keenly, deeply
But see playfulness, youth and brevity
I try to be thorough and discerning.

The look, to make me know -I’m home
The signal to put my defenses down
The reflection of what I feel, inside me.



{can't get a proper picture after an hour so, this will have to do for now, maybe I'll ask my friends to pose for one}

{my friend read the poem and e-mailed me the comment posted,check it out.I was over the moon :) }

poem

The Winding paths have reached their end ,
Now am stuck on a one path destination
Perhaps I can be one of them
I am one of them, yet , by the sidelines I stand and spy .

Sometimes peace emanates from behind me
As though packaged in surprise boxes
And from a bird’s view I watch the norms
The common existence

Sometimes I have to look for silence and calm
Despite peace and calm being availed in every market
Perhaps needing to find my own, create my own.

The direct road is too open, I fear exposure
To things unwilled and things inevitable
And water being the core of every being
I find serenity along the river banks
Among the blue green weeds and tadpoles
Interpreting the phonetics of the birds in my mind.

Perhaps this is no imitation
Perhaps this is what has kept out of grasp.
Every time I reached to it, it pulled further
Perhaps I’ve found my home
My place . My burial ground


{Pics by Ciss, Melaka }

LOOKING

I wonder
When I look at you like that
When I hold your face in my hands
When I purse my lips and smile.
Do you see me?
Do you see any value
In the way I love you?

I wonder.
When you look at me like that
When you put my hands around me
When you shake your head
Do you see me?
Me?
Is it love you feel?

Poem

Mr. Lee


He said come let’s go follow me
He pulled my hand said I’m Tom Lee
He watched me blush
He gave a phone flash

He pulled a dollar, waved a five
Will buy a cow maybe a hive
Just talk slow, let I your heart know

The wind stopped
The drinks were popped as,
He upon my nape blew and
Gave a kiss not few

He caught me by the shoulder bit
He said this is how we do it
And Said-sticker than Siamese we now were
Love he said would bloom with time
And though attractive his dimes were
His voice stole the show
As off we set sail in a dhow

Buffalo beef

17th September 2008

Today was a public Holiday . I decided to do a bit of shopping , important things like bread and potatoes . I now have guts to go all the way to ioi shopping mall alone , that’s about 30 km’s from where I stay . I take two buses .
The minute I got out of the bus- Vam! Mcdonalds . Since I came to Malaysia , everytime the M sign board appears, I Just have to get me something . My favorite is the cheezburger {www.icanhascheezburger.com} . I like the big Mac too . I tasted few burgers in Kenya but nothing like Mcd’s , which is fairly prized. So after the burger I walked around the mall , quite big . I went to this big shop –Hot Market- It has everything . You know those tiny flowered notebooks that cost too much at bookshops or those you’ll never find when you want to give a gift to your friend who writes poetry or your little sister who suddenly needs to keep a journal?
When I was little I really wanted those notebooks. My gran bought me one , it was not fancy but I treasured it until some girls stole it and scribbled tomfoolery all over the pages. I still have it, in my old trunk of treasure .Well, that’s just the book section since for me my first stop anywhere is where the books and pens are, I love pens . My mother gave me one as a parting gift , felt nice to see she has finally accepted-yeah, she’s never gonna be a doctor so what the heck –
The hot market, if you let a girl loose in it , she’d go crazy . The beauty section is another that amazed me . I thought they’d just have the silver I see everywhere but there was bead necklaces and headbands and cute hair clips and earings…my ears aren’t pierced ,maybe I’ll just pierce my fore head Botswana style , and get me a face ring.
This is my 3rd week and I can’t still find washing soap . But excuse me , I’m used to brands like Persil , Omo with powerform, Toss the gentle detergent. When I walk past tings like Trojan, ondrex , zerox …I’m not so sure if that’s something flammable or a video game title . Ha, then I went looking for meat . I have bought beef twice . The first time I threw it all out , I learn how to cook it and tried a second time . Today , looking at the row of beef ,I had a big smile seeing –buffalo beef- No doubt that’s what I bought first time. I couldn’t pass my teeth through it . I had some fun at the fruit section seeing a single avocado going for more than 2 USD. That’s about the cheapest fruit I could buy in Kenya .
I also saw some maize meal at a stand called African Stuffs . The seller looked at me, said a greeting in Botswana when I looked at him funny he asked where I’m from , where I stay how long I’ve been in Malaysia and do I live with my boy-friend I walked away . He was calling to me- come back miss come back . I went to a stand on the opposite stand selling watches ,I bought one , I guess, just because the girl was polite enough not to assume I’m Jamaican or Botswanan but ask me where I’m from .
The other day a man walking towards me was smiling a lot, he said hi then dumela? And I felt like running after him- sir, I’m Kenyan Lah!Or like one day at the bus station a group of Botswana guys kept talking to me in Tshona and I wasn’t amused at all . I told them I was Kenyan – but you understand what we say right-?

After looking for things for about an hour I was tired and the cheezburger was long gone . I saw a waffles stand . Another thing about this place , if you eat something real good , it’s really good and you won’t stop thinking about it . Like the waffles . I ate some at school , with strawberry and chocolate . Today I had some with ice cream and the only way to describe the feeling is{you know those bollywood movies where a group of dancers come out of no where and start to dance? yeah} . I haven’t eaten ice cream in years {it’s too cold} but here it feels like a glass of water at room temperature .I then had lemon tea and I was thinking of how soon I will be readily accepting those exercise equipment fliers and how every conversation will be punctuated with phrases about weight loss , and soon I’ll be looking at the milk packet to check whether it’s low fat , and if my frying oil is cholesterol free or not .
I saw a sweet potato stand and thought- great! -Home snack-Graciously ordered two of them .Quite thin and shriveled but I thought what the heck let me have a taste . I paid 5.50RM and the seller gave me a taste of Chestnuts he was roasting . When I was in the bus looking at my receipts , I saw the sweet potato one and..wait a minute OMG! What a rip off . If you multiply that by 20 you’ll know how many Kenyan Shillings,and divide it by 3.4 to see how many USD . That happens a lot. I look at something and think aa, just a 10, fine. In my mind I’m thinking ashu tu[ten bob], when I realize what I just did I feel so silly.

poems from the East

WHEN I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FEEL

That was when I was able to feel

The love I felt inside

The emotions embedded upon my heart’s walls

The reasoning of my mind.

I recalled

How I once felt

When my hands trembled with adrenaline - or was it love?

When my pulse increased with anticipation, for his voice

How I felt

When his eyes caught mine.

I wished upon an eagle’s wings fly

And with darkness as cover

I’d climb to my love’s space, whisper how I felt

How I always felt.

It took a thousand miles

For the heart to convince the mind

Where it wanted to be , with whom .

I ached for him

As the Eastern sunset lighted my walls at 7

As I waited to spot a star

A plane passed with lights flashing

I wondered-

What stirs emotion?

Distance ? Lack ? A calm mind ?