Sometime in August, I felt the world coming at me full speed and it hit me right between my forehead.
I woke up one morning thought: what is the point of everything ?
Why do we have to do this dance of life only to die unexpectedly?
Why don’t we just all die in a mass death and end this whole pantomime.
I told myself
‘My mind is not a very safe place to be in right now.’
I wondered what was wrong because,
I was okay in many respects, I had paid my rent, I had food and different sources of income, nobody had died and I wasn’t sick.
I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I got worried because it dawned on me that I could be okay but still feel down.
So I tried to text a few friends
‘Hey, can we talk?’
But NOBODY was available.
I even picked up my phone to call someone and she didn’t pick up.
Thought I later on found out she was in a worse off situation than I was, she was in hospital.
That’s when I became my own parent, my own big brother, big sister, best friend.
I sat down and thought of how to solve the problem.
In all respects, this was a hitch in the system
The same way I may wake up with a fever and boil some turmeric, or when my arm won’t stop paining when I have stringed a couple of sisterlocks in a week and I have to go for a massage, it was the same way.
I have a first Aid Box. An emotional first Aid box. It’s something my friend and I made one evening when we were studying an Awake! About Teenage Suicide.
I opened the box and went through everything.
It’s a folder, actually, with Bible verses that remind me of how God feels about me, articles that I have read and felt nice, song lyrics that lift me up, and photos. And magazine cuttings of big sunflowers, cards that people have given me.
(Two of the songs in the list are -Broken Song by Simon August, and Beautiful Life by The Collection)
Then I started to really tell Jehovah how I was feeling.
I told Him everything. I left out nothing.
And that’s when it hit me how accessible God is.
On the day when I could not reach anyone, I didn’t need bundles or WiFi or Safaricom’s Tunukiwa to reach my creator.
And something wonderful happened.
The more I talked to him, the more I remembered verses that heal the soul. I read each one of them.
I cried and cried and I felt God’s comfort seeping into my system.
I was amazed at how miraculous God’s power is. How the mind can connect to such a powerful force and be revived.
Then I made decisions.
1. To see a therapist
2. To be more engaged in helping people
3. To ask for help from the elders
4. To keep moving. Because when you stop moving, that’s when you start to see that the ground underneath shifted. You are not walking on solid ground, you have been suspended by your creator all these years. He is the one that has been carrying you.
And so the elders came, and comforted me. And they told me to hand in there. And reminded me that even though I may not see it, I am loved. And they told me it’s normal to have
Low moments, and when you have such low moments, it’s when you tell your creator- we need to talk. And you tell him.
Your creator can take it.
I am so grateful that I have a father in heaven.
(Psalms 18:28 For it is you who light my lamp, oh Jehovah. My God who lights up my darkness)
Psalms 145:14
