This Chic: This is not a prophecy but it seems highly likely to go in that direction

And then I will turn 37, single and will start to shop at Al Noor Exhibition.
Expensive clothes from Turkey
But not very good looking.
They won't make me stand out in any way.
Because they are just clothes
Meant for the hard working people who live on Thika road
I'll probably live on Thika road too
And drive a BMW
I will be a front office assistant
Dealing in bit coin on the side.

I will also have a TV
To watch the financial news.

On  Saturday afternoons me and two other spinsters will meet in one of the meat roasting places and eat Choma  na tufungiwe kila mtu kilo ya kubeba.
Or  my nephews and nieces will be dropped off at 3 to greet their aunt, and I will take them to TRM for skating and ice cream.

Then I will bump into that bro I had a crush on seven years ago. He will say hi and say, 'this is Cecilia we used to work together.' To his wife who is a bit large width wide. She has a wig too, it's too neat to be a weave.
He should say, we used to work in the same building but oh well if we worked together, we worked together.

The husband will ask ' so how have you been,' with a smile making the large wife tense up.
But then the nephews will reappear, I will notice the wife has relaxed so I will excuse myself and set off to the popcorn stand with a small boy in each hand.

I will be very pleased with myself for wearing these new Adidas
Because there is nothing worse than meeting an old crush on a bad shoe day.

This Chic: Do I have any Standards Left?

What kind of atmosphere am I promoting in my home?
What kind of conversations am I having?
What quality of work am I producing?
What kind of food am I cooking?
What kind of prayers am saying?
What kind of love am I offering?
What kind of relationships am I keeping?
What kind of clothes I'm wearing in the house when I'm alone?
If someone decided to drop by unannounced would they confuse me for
the local crazie?

How clean is my house?
How kind am I?

Do I gossip?
Do I put off people before I hear  their story?
Do I prefer some people?
Do I have standards?

I am on a rampage
And it all started with that Sufuria scrubber pictured above.




When I was old enough to be sent to Nyeri Town by myself to do
household shopping, my Shushu would give me instructions.

When you get into the supermarket, get the Sufuria scrubber in a box,
not the one in a paper that makes noise.
"Ūrore wega karīa ke na gakotoni"
It was more expensive but it was the best, it stayed longer, it didn't
crumble into little wires and for that she didn't want any other.

And that was the way she ran every bit of her household.
We would go to the hardware to buy a new panga and spend one hour,
scrutinizing what was available. She didn't read, but I remember we
always got the Great Britain make.
How she would describe it:


"It's darker. With four lines near the handle."

On Sunday evening she would have her personal time alone. She would
make Mandazi in our biggest Sufuria. So my uncle and I would have a
snack to have with tea through the week. Other times it was green
boiled maize.

So many times when we had girl relatives visit, when their visit was
complete Shushu would say : I am going to wash those dishes myself and
I don't want anyone to do them for me.

Reason, the visiting relation  perhaps did not wash under the handles of
the cups, or under the fold of the plates.

Yeah. It was a bit extreme sometimes, and at my age I didn't see the
need for all those procedures.

And then I moved into the city and money was hard to come by so I cut corners.

Why do I have to buy prepackaged rice when the other one is just rice as well?
Why should I wear a belt with this dress when I don't feel like?

So somehow I started to let things fall below standards even in
important areas of my life.
And then one day I woke up  wondering ...do I even have any standards.

Then I watched this Ted talk and realized auuui.

I've been fine for a lorng time.
'The thing with being fine is that it is genius. You tell it to
yourself and you start to believe it because, then you don't have to
do anything about it.'


I can't afford a manicure but I'm fine?
I haven't visited my Shushu in six months but it's okay, she'll understand the hustle is real?

Is that the family I wanna have when I finally have my own? One that
doesn't check on each other often?

What pace I'm I setting for my future household?

Embracing vulnerability, embracing the low self esteem kid

This low self esteem kid likes to show up at my door.
I used to let her in and let her lay on the couch mourning about this and that
But now whenever she checks in
I bolt and disappear down the fire escape.

Because I am:
A positive
Confident
Self Assured
Good natured
Happy person.

That is the aura I excude
And I don't need this kid hanging around.

But she follows me everywhere
She was there with me when he said : but we are not really dating

She was there when the boardroom asked why I didn't get a job when they knew very well my color didn't allow me to get a job in their country.

She was with me when my cat disappeared and I couldn't sleep blaming myself for giving him away.

She's come along when I have settled for low income just because I got to pay my rent when I'm worth more...

So I devised a plan. I left her name at the registry, and whenever she checks in. Her name lights up on my phone and it's just enough time for me to take off.

And I ran from her again yesterday but when I felt her feet dragging on the floor. I couldn't bear it, I came back up and opened the door.

She had been crying
She was eating dextrosal.

I lifted her up onto a high chair and handed her a cup of tea.

Then sat beside her and talked to her.

I'm sorry you never got to speak you mind often enough to say what you meant.

I'm sorry you had to make up an imaginary name for a father you didn't know to satisfy your classmates.

I'm sorry about that times when the adults wanted you to take sides. You them both, it was unfair on you.



I'm sorry for the fear you felt when you were told you would be packed into a package addressed to the owner.

I'm sorry you felt you had to work hard, trying too hard to earn love..

Would you like another cookie?
I'm sorry about the times you got blamed for lost things.
I'm sorry you were never good enough
Coz you were
You were a good enough small human being.

'I want to run away'

You don't need to. Just wait. One day you are gonna be big enough
You will have a house full of books and all the cats you want.
Now you've got to stop showing up like this. Unless it's to bring me flowers.

Now run along and find some flowers to pick, chase some butterflies and kick pebbles. You are just a child.

And she left, quickly but with a smile on her tiny dark face and two chocolate chip cookies in her pocket.

I vow to always lift people up
I vow to always point out the good in people
I vow to not make anyone feel less than they are.

#positivity#vulnerability#notesfromyourtherapist #emotionalmaturity #healing #healingjourney #mentalhealthawareness #childrensbookillustration #childrenarethefuture #artoftheday #childsketch #sketch #oneminutesketch 

Embracing Vulnerability: Crooked Teeth

I grew up being made fun of my brown teeth. I had white teeth once, then they fell out and what grew out next were big rugged uneven teeth that started to turn color the minute they got out of the gum.

People told me a there is nothing beautiful about a girl with brown teeth.
One teacher, when she found me kneeling next to the headteacher's office(coz I had been caught singing in class during prep.
I was probably just showing off or bored or having adolescent issues) The teacher asked why I kneeling.
I didn't feel like telling her.
She wasn't in my class
So I just smiled
And she said
How dare you smile at me with such rotten teeth?

I stopped smiling, she went her way, I shrugged but then I started smiling again coz she didn't get her answer to her nosiness anyway.

 My first day of high school

I had just met some new girls and we were happily talking then a girl who had been in my primary school but now a class ahead paused in front of us and instead of saying hi.

She exclaimed

Gosh Shishilia those are such ugly teeth!
I didn't smile much after that.

But I did some figuring
My uncle, the first man I ever loved had brown teeth. But he was funny, he worked hard and he took good care of me and granny. So you could have brown teeth and still be a human being.

I also realized my teeth didn't pain . And when I had my first dental appointment he said my teeth were quite clean.

I had been brushing my teeth furiously all my life.

My mother supplied me with a toothbrush three times a year as well as a bag of sweets to last me until her next visit.

I would brush, carefully every morning and every night
Then I would tuck in two large pieces of candy into my mouth and get into bed. Mwana no mwana.

Anyhow. I also learnt that I loved other part of me. I loved my fingers, and my hair when I washed it and it came out in dark brown curls.

I also loved my nose because it was large and not tiny or flat.

And I was happy with that
As long as everything worked why stress so much about it and in any case I wasn't trying to win a beauty contest.

Then one day a girl in my class said
Wow Cecilia you have such a beautiful smile.
I said
Really? Thanks.
And I went to have a look in the mirror and sort of believed her. So I started to smile more.

She set me free.

Years later I read a book that had a teenager in it who was worried about something in her body and someone told her- you cannot have it all dear, but one thing is sure, if one thing is not right then everything else is perfect.

And I see that in many instances.
Someone might have terrible skin but they've got hips from here to Moyale.

Or another will have bad eyesight but gal those nails!

(I write something about guys here but I'm not sure I wanna say it)

Because we are not just one thing.

We are a whole lot of other things.

Pink hippos on the shores of Lake Victoria

I swear I saw two large Pink hippos on the shores of Lake Victoria.
They crossed the road and got into the city-
It was Saturday night after all.

Perhaps they were going out to tea.
Or to the disco I cannot tell,
But I could tell they were in a hurry.
And as we braked and sighed and were totally flummoxed
They went their way.

But now I am not  so sure if they were hippos Or pink elephants coz
They were were
Quite big.

Could they have been flamingoes
Walking in hippo formation?

If flamingoes do go out at night.

Perhaps they do
When the circus is in town
And when the Flamenco dancers put on a show.