"She will love deeply -she will suffer terribly -she will have glorious moments to compensate - as I have had-" Emily of Newmoon.
I was feeling agitated and another feeling I wasn't sure of. Then it hit me that it was two weeks into the corona outbreak and my mother had not called to check on me.
My mother always called. Every bus crush on Mombasa road, or any Mololine just in case I had been on it. Every earthquake, every political upheaval, every collapsed house in Huruma, every matatu strike. She would call to ask If I was okay and if I hadn't heard about it why haven't I watched the news?
So I went to see my shushu.
I was scared she would ask me about my mother.
Here we are now having a picnic.
She is feeding the pumpkin bits to the dogs.
Or pretending to but she is observing me.
I'm startled when she commands me to stop being sad.
'Why do you sit like someone in great sorrow?'
'Oh,' I say.
She goes on,
'You should not wear a sad face.'
'What of I am sad? What should I do?' I ask.
'You should look for something that brings you joy.' She says
I snap at her;
'But I am sad right now. If you were hungry and I told you stop being hungry without giving you food would your hunger stop?'
She says,
'People have gone through a lot of different pains. But they have endured.'
I know she is right but I don't want to hear it.
I want to tell her I cannot turn my feeling on and off like a robot..
I start to cry instead.
Because I shouldn't snap at my
Shushu.
She has suffered greatly.
I also should know better.
I am on instgram learning about self care and grief and shadow work And all of that and I can read my Bible.
And in spite of her limited exposure to all of this she always really tries to understand, even when her mind fails her.
She has buried 5 kids and a husband and friends. She has been broke and alone and in despair but she is still standing. She is now a shell of her former self.
What really is Alzheimer's?
How can she know her daughter is dead but not know whether she is eating rice or githeri?
But her spirit is alive, strong and courageous.
'Happy are those who mourn. ' That's what I should have told her.
Because if anyone deserves a better life it's my shushu, and her family.
We have been down and under.
One rude shock after another.
When we are barely up we are again reminded of the taste of the ground.
Our humans and our animals all suffer together.
Tom sees my tears and starts to lick my face with a broken paw on my chest.
Our now one eyed Tom.
He has taken hit after hit.
I Start to laugh.
Shush tells Tom
'Eheria Urimū haha.'
Then she goes off to pick up fire wood and I go off to clean up the dishes.
Tomorrow I will be in the happiest place in Nairobi.
Tomorrow I not wear a sad face.
I was feeling agitated and another feeling I wasn't sure of. Then it hit me that it was two weeks into the corona outbreak and my mother had not called to check on me.
My mother always called. Every bus crush on Mombasa road, or any Mololine just in case I had been on it. Every earthquake, every political upheaval, every collapsed house in Huruma, every matatu strike. She would call to ask If I was okay and if I hadn't heard about it why haven't I watched the news?
So I went to see my shushu.
I was scared she would ask me about my mother.
Here we are now having a picnic.
She is feeding the pumpkin bits to the dogs.
Or pretending to but she is observing me.
I'm startled when she commands me to stop being sad.
'Why do you sit like someone in great sorrow?'
'Oh,' I say.
She goes on,
'You should not wear a sad face.'
'What of I am sad? What should I do?' I ask.
'You should look for something that brings you joy.' She says
I snap at her;
'But I am sad right now. If you were hungry and I told you stop being hungry without giving you food would your hunger stop?'
She says,
'People have gone through a lot of different pains. But they have endured.'
I know she is right but I don't want to hear it.
I want to tell her I cannot turn my feeling on and off like a robot..
I start to cry instead.
Because I shouldn't snap at my
Shushu.
She has suffered greatly.
I also should know better.
I am on instgram learning about self care and grief and shadow work And all of that and I can read my Bible.
And in spite of her limited exposure to all of this she always really tries to understand, even when her mind fails her.
She has buried 5 kids and a husband and friends. She has been broke and alone and in despair but she is still standing. She is now a shell of her former self.
What really is Alzheimer's?
How can she know her daughter is dead but not know whether she is eating rice or githeri?
But her spirit is alive, strong and courageous.
'Happy are those who mourn. ' That's what I should have told her.
Because if anyone deserves a better life it's my shushu, and her family.
We have been down and under.
One rude shock after another.
When we are barely up we are again reminded of the taste of the ground.
Our humans and our animals all suffer together.
Tom sees my tears and starts to lick my face with a broken paw on my chest.
Our now one eyed Tom.
He has taken hit after hit.
I Start to laugh.
Shush tells Tom
'Eheria Urimū haha.'
Then she goes off to pick up fire wood and I go off to clean up the dishes.
Tomorrow I will be in the happiest place in Nairobi.
Tomorrow I not wear a sad face.
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