Grieving 101: Packing Up

Packing up my mother's things was the hardest thing I've had to do this year.
First, it didn't feel right going through her things, opening up boxes, drawers, handbags.
I felt like she was gonna come in anytime and ask -why are you going through my things?-

My heart felt heavy, weighty. I knew I needed to do it but I needed help.

Some ten years over ago, my mother's sister got sick and died. I wasn't told until the day I finished my KCSE exams. 
(Though a classmate who had finished her exams earlier and knew about it had had the brilliant idea to send me a condolence card with a warning not to open until my exams were over. Of course I could see the words sorry for your loss as plain as day through the envelope. I know I made a mess of my remaining papers but oh well, it was well meaning.)

My aunt was very beautiful. Among my shushu's daughters I thought aunt Wangeci was the most beautiful one and it didn't help that she was a beautician and knew exactly which brand of ponds to use. When I was small I would stare at her until she shouted at me to stop it. 

Aunt Wandia, Aunt Wangeci, My mother

After a stint in South Africa she came back and a few years later she fell sick and died.
When I came home, to the house she had shared with my mother, I found a pile of clothes dumped behind the house.
Her death had disoriented the family so much and I guess no one thought much about her clothes.
Her clothes.
She had beautiful clothes. 
She wore silks, and now they were in a pile. Rain had soaked them through, then the sun had created streaks of stains across the once expensive fabric.
I remember thinking, death takes away someone's dignity.

This was the thought I had when mummy died.
So I wanted to preserve her dignity.
I wasn't going to bleh bleh until one day I would come back to the house and find perhaps a 
strip of a favourite shirt of hers flapping against the gate.
Or perhaps a note she had written 
Or worse, her furniture soaking in the Tropical rain.

When stuff happens, that's when you really know the kind of people you need around you. It's the people who show up. 
I rang a friend and she came right away and we created a system.

Things to take to Shushu 
Things for me to keep
Things to give away
Things to burn
Then Malembi came and made us lunch and my little cousins who are not so little any more came and helped unscrew beds and burn trash. My mother's cousins came too and I didn't  have a moment to be alone.
It was three days of pure fatigue, but I was grateful that when I needed volunteers Jehovah sent them. 
I cried a lot saying goodbye to the house that has been my weekend getaway since I came to live in Nairobi.

I have always imagined I would leave that house as a bride. My mother would be in a peach colored dress, the fussy neighbours would ask if we could afford a fancy wedding. 

I guess that's not happening now.



What I have learned: 

1. You never know how a particular death affects someone until it happens to  you.
(I feel really bad for friends who have lost parents in the past and I just said pole and moved on with my life)

2. If someone I 
know losses a loved one, I will have to be there with them, physically.

Self Care: Gratitude releases positive energy

John 13:34,35

I woke up feeling grateful this morning.
The last four days I've had people stay with me in shifts.
I sank last week, I was angry.

But the rescue team arrived.

Each with a band aid for each part of my heart that was aching.
I recovered my sleep.
Someone came and cleaned my kitchen
Another cooked for me
Another brought me apples
I woke up surrounded by bread.

Others washed my floor
A little girl sat with me in sign language meetings
Then an avalanche of mixed company arrived with bags and hugs
And I felt like I'm gonna be okay.
Not 100% but I fully know that my creator is aware of my wanderings.

I am not an insignificant organism roaming the earth unattended.
' with someone loyal you are loyal.'
This evening I am happy.

When you are grateful, good things keep coming.

This morning I received a text from my mother's opposite neighbour. She comforted me and said she wanted to send me cash. She sent the exact amount I needed to pay off my November rent. 
Then I got another call.
'You don't know me but I was your mum's friend. I owed her some cash, Now that I have your number I will send you. Keep strong.'
And she did.
'With God everything is possible.'
I know my life is not a waste of space. I know Jehovah cares about me.
I will tell my mother the things people did for her.
That she had not been a waste of space as well.
Her good deeds follow her.

I have no reason to be angry, 
or be too anxious, or try to find comfort where it's non existent.


Now that I realise real love is not forced. 
It is easy and comfortable. And it knows exactly what needs to be done.

Irene's Army

I woke up enraged.
I felt the heavy weight of injustice on my head and I was very sure I wasn't going to settle until I had done everything in my ability to ensure my mother's days of going without lunch, rainy mornings trying to catch a train ride did not vanish without an explanation.

I guess my heart started burning when after going to her work place, I realized the magnitude of injustice I was tackling , but then I realized I wasn't alone.

We are sitting in this office with people who worked alongside my mother every day, 5,10,20, years and they are telling me
"If you want us to turn Twitter for Irene, just say. "

I am not much in person but I have never been unable to write.
So I sat and composed a letter that would have made any raised eye brow raise both.
It made their ears ring as well I'm sure.

My article about the issue received the highest views for  my articles this year and I decided to pull it down from Facebook.
To give the raised eye brow a second chance
But the comments kept coming and the phone calls.

People ready to close their offices to go with me wherever I need to go today
People getting up at five to go to my house and bring my wallet because I forgot it in my other bag
People picking up calls for me because I'm not aware the phone is ringing
People holding me tightly at the morgue in case I collapse, until my sides hurt

Justice was served, although post humously
But one thing I wasn't gonna sit around and allow is
' they defrauded my mother when she lived, but not when she was no longer around to speak for herself.'

It hurts to think of the sense of loss she must have felt.
The lack of trust
The shock
The helplessness
The fear
And the thought she had before she died, that her life's efforts had been completely burned up in a fire.

I will tell her when she is resurrected, I fought for you, though
With trembling hands and repressed tears.
And I Had an army behind me.

Guest Post: Tribute to a Dead Tree

I know a dead tree. It is dead for most of the year. Sometime in September it blossoms. This is the first step towards the growth of plums. After the flowers, come the leaves then the plums then at some point it returns to looking like a dead tree.

I know a "dead tree". For most of the "year" - she looks like she needs to be cut down - she is "a waste of space". She would be better off as "firewood". A certain rough season comes and she blossoms.
She is exactly like those trees that are still standing after a hurricane ripped through an area. The hurricane season is her season to blossom.

Most of the year she looks dead. Easy to ignore or dismiss. Only after the hurricane does it become apparent that she had deep roots. She has resilience. She has staying power. This is the definition of endurance. It can mean "stand one’s ground; persevere; remain steadfast..."

Hurricane season is her season.

I went to visit this dead tree as she was "blossoming".  This is what I observed.

• She loves her God. He also didn't hide his love for her during the "hurricane season".
• She loves her family. Her family loves her. You should hear her laugh from way deep down her stomach when she is with them. She is so relaxed and carefree with them.
• She brandishes a machette or a panga effortlessly while in the shamba (farm). She chooses and cuts (more accurately harvests) maize (corn), cabbage, onions, pumpkin, grass you name it. It is not a weapon but a tool in skilled hands when she uses it.
• She is so generous
• She loves animals. There is a dog called Tom - who had not seen her for months but follows her wherever she goes. When she disappears in the corn farm , all she has to do is call him and he appears. She told me what they have is "true love". :-) 
• She is a bully. No one is off limits. Not even her cucu (grandmother)
• She really does stop to smell the flowers. Every plant worth smelling. She stopped to smell. I got a chance to pick some eucalyptus because of her.
• She skips. Yes. She does. :-) When we went for a walk - she was skipping as we went down the hills.
• She enjoys simple things. I like simple things. I like her. Good conversation overlooking a waterfall and singing. What more would you want?

Without the hurricane season - you would not know she is not a "dead tree". She has deep roots.

I love you my "dead tree". Keep "blossoming".

https://pattikay.blogspot.com/2019/10/a-tribute-to-dead-tree.html

Monday Profiles: Big Cisster's Got me

This woman is called Estah
Once upon a time I found myself on the precarious edge of a deportation, or imprisonment if the judge decided my hair was too knotty.
I had a month to appeal for my student Visa, I had no cash and my emotions run high between rash regrets, why didn't I just get married when the offer was on and despondent self pity oh no this is not happening again! I have to start over from nothing and why did I even get started in the first place!

We sat in a hotel room in Singapore. I sat on the floor. She lay on the bed, Tlotlego lay flat on the floor completely asleep. Tlotlego has a gift of sleep. She can fall asleep on the kitchen counter and she would be fine.

' The last time they pulled me out of an exam room I broke down and could not say anything.' Said I.

" I want you to go and talk to them like an adult, and state your case, refer to your grades." Said she.

I didn't have much practice
I had never been sent away from school for lack of fees, ever.

But I went and stated my case and got into the line up for scholarships.

A year later, Estah rang me. I was in some undisclosed location. My mental and emotional health quite a mess.
Hurt and completely destroyed and probably even running for my life.

She said I'm sending you cash to come back to the city. She did.

I wasn't ready
I needed to be alone in the open fields to clear my mind.

I got back to the city eventually wit ya clear mind and lighter emotions and Estah called to say she had a job for me.
Who does that?
Who is alive to support your mad schemes for decades?

But That's what she has always been, someone who has always seen my potential.

And put faith in me.

So last week she sent her daughter to my salon. My first hair treatment client.

I believe if I started selling charcoal Estah would order a gunia of charcoal and then look for a maize roasting trader and give it to him.

In 1997, my mother brought me Nivea lotion. I couldn't tell the difference between it and Vaseline Solea or whatever else was there to apply on my legs. But Estah saw it and told me: That's a very good lotion you have. We were in primary school.

In 2009, Estah took me to an expensive restaurant and said: order the Cabarnet Sauvignon, it's not too sweet  and she was right. It's the only wine I recognize.

And all my life I don't think I'll ever meet someone that's got it together as she has, yet she remains modest.

So my big sister has got me,

In spirit of the Cisster Brand let me hear those bookings coming in..

Incomplete Guide to Cooking Food- Tomato Soup

My heart has been aching a lot lately. I've been pushed to a corner I have never ever ever been and I'm trying to accept it without going under.

I could go under.

But I haven't 

I have something that always brings me back.

Soup.

With Creed, Three Doors Down, Dashboard Confessional 

In the background telling me-

'I'm six feet from the edge

Can anyone see me down here

Just on more step I beg You please

Just one more breath I beg you please.'

One day this week I really almost went under. I was out all day with people and I really needed a moment to cry. I have become quite a cry baby lately. When I can't find a spot to howl I drink tea instead. 

So I walked into Hermes Dairy to have a cup. Hermes is our neighborhood grandfather. He specializes in milk, in its various stages of life.

We love Hermes. He tells us many stories , when his wife is not around. But let's not talk about that but let us point out one important truth:  He has a beautiful daughter who makes great brown chapati.

I found my friend had checked in some minutes earlier and just finishing his first chapati.

I told him It was nice to see him but I had had a long day and would like to sit quietly before I can face anymore humans.

He said pole, 'have a chapati too.'

I said "no I'm fine."

And he smiled and said 'no, just have a chapati.'

Because my friends know if I say no to a chapati there must be something wrong. And if a chapati won't fix it we might have to look for more measures.

I had my chapati, quietly. And I was fine by the time I was done.
 And so I explained how I been bullied this big guy who mixed all his English tenses and felt threatened when a young boy with a nice hair cut asked for clarification.
'All of you lowlifes sitting in the back come here , hakuna kitu mnaelewa!'
A low life. Seriously?
It was quite unprofessional.
But there is a certain stage in life you find yourself where you have to interact with people you would otherwise never have to deal with.

And he told me how his supervisor had refused to approve his work and how annoyed he was feeling.

And we both felt better. 

Food does that.

It covers for what words can't cover.

It started to rain but it didn't matter.

When the mud has left your heart, you can wade in mud all the way home and your step will be light like a happy girl in summer.

Let us talk about food now.

Your Shallow and Incomplete Guide to Cooking Food for People who live alone or with Cats and are Tired of Eating Ugali and Eggs every night.

I make a lot of soups. When my heart is in despair solid foods won't do. I need something that will get absorbed right away.

Today I will share 

my thick tomato soup recipe for days when your heart won't stop aching.

What you need:

3 Ripe Tomatoes 

2 Table spoonful of Tomato paste

One red hot chili pepper

2 cloves of garlic

Salt

1 teaspoonful sun flower oil (optional)

What to do:

Cut the tomatoes in half and drop then into two cups of boiling water

Let them boil until soft

Pound the garlic together with the chilli

Use the pestle to mash the tomatoes

Stir and scoop out the skins

Add salt

Add the tomato paste and stir

Add the sunflower oil

Stir in the garlic and chilli

Let it simmer for three minutes 

It should be ready.

I eat mine with bread or chips- check out the bread recipe from earlier this year.

Sent from my iPhone

Finding God: Can a father in heaven be trusted?

'The Rock, perfect is his activity for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness who is never unjust'

'But how can I trust him while he is a man Ayler? How can I call him - Father- when father to me means rejection, abandonment. How can I trust him?

' He is the Rock, and as long as you are standing on that rock, you can never be shaken. '

Jesus I knew. Me and Jesus were cool. I knew how he viewed and treated women. I knew he didn't have an ego.
But this Heavenly Father. I needed time.
And so he started to mend the painful spots.

He provided brothers. Young brothers who ask me for advice. Small brothers who celebrate my wins like they were their own.
And other brothers who tell me 'Cecilia you are wrong and you need to apologize to her ' while looking me straight in the eye.

And big brothers who tell me 'Cecilia you can do this, and look at the bigger picture and think of eternity and life after 1000 years and get out off that funk you are surfing on, and tell me HOW ARE YOU?'

When I was 19. My friend Lewis bought a double decker. He said I could sleep there any time I didn't wanna go home. And when his sister came he slept in the living room, his sister took his bed. I was his sister and could I get it into my little head I didn't have bring things when I needed to visit. He said that after hitting me on the head with the coconut I had brought from Malindi.

Then Ken came from Hargesia and he took me out of the house while I was living as a hermit, writing books.

Now I ask him "why didn't you take me home with you when I gave you the option? " He says he realised I needed looking after.

Mutua found me, and took me home to his mother and brothers. And introduced me to Jehovah, answering 19 years of accumulated questions. ' how about the law of Moses?' Says I.

'Learn the law of Christ Ciss, said he.

19 was a hard year for me. But I got past it. 2019 is a hard year for me. But I have my brothers around me . And slowly, I am beginning to accept that I have a father in heaven. He is a man, in my head yes.But that's okay, I don't mind.
A man can be trusted.

' The Rock, perfect is his activity. For all his ways are justice.'

In spite of things. Jehovah can still be trusted.