My heart is slowly thawing

With every lay of pure sunlight that peeps.

 By silent meditation

And private invitation

To observe and consider the world

I rejoice.

I’m just a tiny wispy

Who sometimes gets lost

When situations overwhelm

I’m just a tiny wispy

Who sometimes gets lost

When situations overwhelm

2008

this moment is complete

Between snaps of

Consciousness

  I  wonder

Again, whether

 This is all a dream

 A really realistic Dream where,

I wake up with the aroma

Of flavours tasted

And the shiver of-

Near feelings confessed

The warmth of a Warm evening ray

Unblocked by the chilly evening wind.

Hey Lilly

Is this real?

 I dreamt we had rice wine together

In tiny budded royal blue porcelain

Embedded in white

The child playing a constant din with that plastic toy

On the dvd machine

The plastic beads inside broke out, like-

A dry pea pod at noon

And skidded down the stairs, settling

Between the bottles of salted eggs

And a midst your heavily accented words

I understood

 You once had dreams too

Now tangled up in others’ dreams

 Your partner,

 Your children

 Your work

Like the sweet potato vines in your back yard

 Growing among the nettles and thin mulberry.

You dreamt, you’d travel across, along and above the great sea that surrounds you.

 To listen to words served on foreign tongues

To sling a camera around your neck and pose

Long long minutes below monuments.

Dark glasses and sunny hats in place

Speaking Portuguese

Like you’ve seen in them lip-synched television programmes

The Kway Teow is cold now, down stairs.

 You wanna put it away fro breakfast

So you lift a tendoned  leg

And instead pull out a book off the shelf of many books.

-get me an African recipe out of that-

I trace a finger on the Suji and Kidney recipe.

The dog smells the page

Licks my face

The child is snoring on the floor

 You pour me another syrup starch syrup.

The house of therapy

To describe the carefree talks we  can have

Me on the single couch

You sitting on the pillow, ripping seams.

The child, an extra.

Therapy here means

The weight I’ve shed

As I speak with truth

Of sometimes ad hock existence

Like me backpacking back then

Lo! The scolding you gave. About putting myself in line for rape-

You are wise Lilly

I am done being a tomboy. I am, well, I have girl friends now.

I’ m a little less dreamy.

It’s hot

We eat agar agar

 Your other girl wakes up to pee

-Already 2pm mummy, when you gonna sleep ah?-

We are tired

But day break represents interruptions

Schedules and responsibilities

The night should last forever

The winking stars

Should never blink

Or fade

Or shy away from day

Coz this moment is complete as it could be.

Action drams, cartoon network sap and town music filled my mind

I forgot about the sound of nature

 The secrets whispered by birds to other birds

By crickets to other crickets

 By falls to the river

 I listened

 At last my mind began to remember

It began to refill itself with stories

 From the old  central

 Deciphering hyena’s laughter

 And what the cider told the grass below

 as they softly kissed

Beckoned by the wind

It was peaceful

Peaceful

I’d spent too many days indoors

Turning knobs and locks and switches,

 And pressing remote controls

I’d forgotten how to sit calmly listen,

Think,

Hear the sounds and breath in inspiration

A gift

 Which technology tries to slowly make me overlook

As I you tube

 And email

 And blog

 And chat…

I forget blue speedos and staedler pencils

Black rendits

And Tesco fullscaps.

Merged with everyone.

So I sat at the water’s edge dreaming

Peaceful dreams of sand beaches and

Clear springs of mountain water-ah-

For a moment as if in a stance, felt it

Heard it

 The soft calling of ants

 The gentle murmur of the trees….

doesn't matter now

you're receeding
with every passing moment
I'm letting go half exchanged confirmations
coz this  is the best I can do
 on these emotions
 and unreliable histories
while I set apart
 the real from the assumed,
the default from the tailored
 doubts feeding off my sides
'I should have said..."
"I shouldn't have said..."
It's morning now,
 It's not so spiral now,
A day lives.

green and gold

the water shimmers
reflecting a partly cloudy sky,
Gray.
Little fish, maybe 20 or 30 bask in the sun
Dragon flies skid on the water
playing
 A screeching bird, a cricket
 A water duck floats-dry
Sunshine steals to warm my legs
Perfect Harmony
This is the place where my fairy story began
But you're not here.

Sigh

Silence!Silence, please.

 Let’s have some quiet,

 A moment with my thoughts

 My contemplations

 To listen to this eerie cry

 And blink this huge tear-

 The staccato that connects different seasons of pain-

 Blanketed in loneliness.

 Sigh.

 Sighing whenever

 I wink this stare

Shifting from this palm,

 To that palm,

 On this  chin.

 Sigh,

 You understand,

 Humming.

 Drumming fingers.

 A far thought- Like a flicker-

 From a dry kerosene lamp.

Then anxiety.

Snatches

I wonder how much those weigh

 Kajuju: ofcourse I like books, what do you mean?

Mooze: Can I update my status, now now.

Sometimes the sun plays little games of hide and seek.

Like this needle tip of sun I found on my desk two days ago.

A few moments before darkness sets in. As if the sun wants to do one last check before it goes off.

emotions

This week. I’ve had the same amount of highs and lows. They ended up canceling each other so I don’t feel much difference. You know when you experience exhilarating moments then have to cope with deepest of the deepest ones. And in your mind songs  like- away from the sun,3 doors and six feet from the edge, Creed. And you try to force good thoughts by Colby Cailat but it doesn’t stick, you actually donno the lyrics? Yep.

First my internet connection decided to siphon every single cent  that went into the modem. I was quite angry, I even changed to a different network which I’m  yet to understand the workings but everyone has been telling me Orange is great. It might be, but their internet  customer  care isn’t  that great.

I got a cheque for some work I slaved for last month. For two weeks I thought that money had drunk  the water(I wouldn’t receive it). The contact I wrote it for died before the project was finished.  When someone dies with your debt, you are not so sure whether to pursue it or first send condolences.

Then I had the worst pms that had me cursing Adam and Eve, the cold weather and the lack of menstrual  Panadol around here, the pink ones, yeah.

But I had another high, connecting with a long lost loved one. 

Then when I thought all was going great I got the big idea to cook hard maize githeri. I bought a can of maize, a can of charcoal and set it to boil around 5pm. Lets just  say it was not even ready the following morning. I’ve been feeding on  that for the rest of the week for various reasons. It tasted better today.

It’s exciting to be away for two weeks, I’m going away for two weeks. Perhaps when I’m back I’ll be more balanced. I’m worried about leaving Mooze and Kajuju.  Especially Mooze, he’s  become quite dependent on me.  Typical mama’s boy.

I should have let the week end but I had to open my mouth and tell someone I now a place she could find work. This woman I buy oranges from needs someone to help her with cooking chapatti, githeri, bhajia. So I asked can I bring someone. Yes yes, please. She forgot to mention the person has to be hearing!

I felt the disappointment deep in me, as my deaf friend tried to smile knowing  very well she had  been turned down coz shez deaf. The feeling I had was a similar to one time I really needed a job and was asking about. My classmate Kim said they needed waiting staff at the café she worked.

I didn’t pursue it, but she told me again that her boss was waiting for me. We agreed a date and I went in to ask for Mr. Mumbo Jambo. Why was I looking for him? He wanted to know.

 I’m here for the job?

I said stting down. It was clear I wouldn’t get it. Kim forgot to mention I was black.

So Mr. MJ tells me a long story about the many people on the list for consideration. You’re Kenyan, my wife is from Uganda.  And how he was going to AFRICA next month.

Could you bring me a pack of tea when you get back? I asked with a smile that had a different shape behind.

It happened enough times that when our good natured student counselor mentioned jobs available for students, we simply clicked a tab to update our status.

Discrimination is a sad issue.

So I’m kinda mad, for my neighbor playing loud music too on a Sunday evening. Teenagers!

snatches

September

I’m glad July is over. I didn’t buy any books, it wasn’t very easy not to peep at all the titles in the streets…. I bought other important things  like food and a sweater that hangs like a mosquito net.

I don’t like August as much but it passes so quickly and before you know it it’s plum blossom and the world feels right again as  the September sun shifts on shades of pink and white, and the millions of stars on cloudless nights reminds you that there’s a higher being, and a creative one too.

In 2010, I witnessed  a rare experience. I had been passively watching the sky, the twinkling  stars, some still some on long journeys. Some a bright orange, others a cool purple. The plough, the only set of stars I know, on one side. Then one evening I looked and,,, the plough was on a different location. The entire sky  had shifted. You always hear about scientists telling about the sky and stars and other planets, but from down here, it’s hard to get it, how massive and expansive the universe is I guess at that moment I realized how small I am compared to the major things.

 This month I haven’t had music at all, after waving my hard drive bye bye, I lost motivation to listen  to music from CDs, coz it hangs, and I hate that. But I got  some Jazz- Dave Coz- the other day in my  flash disk and it was just wonderful. Then I was unearthing my CDs and realize I have two missing CDs and I can’t trace them- Sade and Vic Chou. And I passed by a music shop that had a big sign saying- We put your tracks into your flash as you wait- It’s one of those dusty faded music shops. You will find Hugh Masekela and Stevie Wonder in there. But it’s also one of those places headed for closure so they have eager sales men in navy blue aprons who want to know what you want to BUY the minute you sniff in. I want a  place where once you walk in you find cool music playing and you can listen to your select CD on headphones, at your own pleasure- why have they  got to wear navy blue Aprons?

I’ve been eager for the Olympics to start. I like to watch the gymnastics. And Ice skating. But the opening ceremony put me off kabisa. I had set my alarm to wake up and watch but I slept not many minutes later.

 I guess every other will always be compared to the Beijing one.

 And now that the games  have started, I realize I ‘ll end up youtubing them maybe next year Jan.

Positioning.

You can tell by the way he holds a cauliflower head that a mole has eaten from beneath. Also how fast he  can gather  a bunch of spinach with just the right turn of his finger. He is passionate about farming.

He’s a boy I went to Business college with. He was very involved in growing things  then, and it’s no surprise he has never picked up his certificates from the school. So when I nudged an invitation to see what he’s been up to, I got my camera and set off to Kĩng’eero(that’s the real name of the place) Coming from Kieni where if you decide  to plant cabbage you plant  2 acres of it.

 I was really impressed  by what he has done with his one acre. He has everything. Cucumbers, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, brinjals, tomatoes, cabbage, green peppers, and  everything else  that goes by the  name of veggie for the  Kenyan market. At the market they call him kijana wa kila kitu-  young man with everything. He grows and drives his produce to the market, by 6a.m he is back from selling, with bulging pockets.

-Sometimes I feel like I’ve stolen from them- he laughs. He can make a very quick meal with the produce too. Everytime I spend time with a serious farmer, I feel sorry for all those families living in squeezed rooms in Soweto, earning ksh.8,000 while their father’s land overgrows with Mexican marigolds and datura thorn apple.

On my  way bank I passed by a bank to  ask about opening an account.   Figure if I saved a hundred bob every month, in a few years I will have a bit of cash to take a holiday somewhere sunny.

As I filled the form I asked for the terms and  conditions form  to read  through  before I  signed. She took sometime to find it.  Later  she asked me how come I asked for that- No one has ever asked for that. I said how I like to be sure about things. Then she asked what I do and I said I write. We had a nice  chat that went on close to two hours. She was really interested in me writing about Chinese cabbage growers and Japanese spare parts.

-How did you decide to become  a writer?

 Probably coz my uncle is such a story teller and I love reading.

-I wish I knew  what makes  me tick

But you are doing great in customer care

-Maybe, but all I can talk about is my customers. You are doing what you love

 You have a salary at the end of the month.

We laughed, at both ourselves I left at about some minutes to 7.

 I  was very interested in hearing about her acting when she was in school. Turns out she goes to FCC to watch plays and feels very alive while there. 

-So how  come you are in banking.

 I donno, I just found myself here.

 I laughed  when she told me what course she did in college, basically  something that sounded right to the general population.