Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Plot 65: Put a bunch of sharp tongued introverts and watch the smoke rising.

Tata and Cūcū preparing to feed these 'thankless children of human beings'
Plot 65: Put a bunch of sharp tongued introverts together and watch the smoke begin to rise.

So when my bro saw the nigga story he said I should mention that inspite of the expletives, the adults in our family are religious. And it can be proven by how quickly our grandmother calls out to Maria whenever she is in danger.

She will be chewing her dry sweet potatoes, without tea and chokes from her own saliva.
'Maria!' She calls out.
'What is it?' Some one will ask.
'Ah, is it not this small sweet potato that wants to kill me.'
'But cucu si I said I there is tea you said you don't want?'
'Ah, cold tea, I don't want heartburns' she will explain and choke again. And dare you laugh, or not say pole.

'Ng'undeno! You are just sat there watching me die and you can't warm for me tea? Mbūri!'

Ng'unda is a donkey
Mbūri is a goat

So you quickly run behind  the house to get some tiny pieces of sticks to kindle the fire and warm her tea.
You come and warm her tea but by that time she has finished the sweet potatoes.
So you venture to say, 'Shushu let me just drink the tea.'
'Ngūrwe! Nongīmuona!' When I drink tea it is the same as if it spilled on the floor eh? You thankless child phu!'
So you pour her the tea and walk away feeling like the ass she has called you.

Ngúrūwe is a wild pig.
And rightly so. I have often felt like a wild pig. Black, Misplaced And nocturnal.

Enter Mzeiya. He is wearing a green bullet proof trench coat . He calls them bullet proof because he wears them to avoid being pricked by Napier grass.

He is also perpetually in gumboots:

Favorite names to call those around him
Thegere- a type of Columbus monkey
MbúkÚ-wild hare
Toad
Wakahare-squirrel
Nūgū-baboon
Blarryfakini

'Ah you people are just sitting here and you cannot think to warm water for milking? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
'I'm closing my eyes And before I open them I want those cows in the shed ready to be milked! Says he.
You run to get some more fluff to light a fire and put on water to warm then run the 500m to get the cows.
' Did anybody remember to give water to the calves?'
We Kihii hiki! Njaū ciatinda ūguo itanyuite?!
Sege!

And then when the milking is done the strainers cannot be found anywhere.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Enter shush
Nyina Mūnyeki? Have you seen my panga?
'You had it yesterday. Have you checked behind the door?
' Gūtirī handū itarorete, hiūranītie guothe. '
'Gūtakīrī mūndū ūingīrīte kūu.'
'Ah, basi imepotea. Ndūkihe ga ithe wa mūnyeki.'


Enter Irūngū
Irūngu and Irūngū wa Beth

' Ihīndu! Muuma kū?'
Then she starts to tickle them
'Ah Shushu we tiga mathako'
'Ngūmūkunyanga Kinya mugīrīrie.'

Enter Munyeki
'Iii grandmother'!
'Grandmother uūkūria kana ūikie ikūmbī?'

Kīiritu kia Nyawira. Nīwoka.
Ah Shushu me I am not A girl like that.
'Ng'unda! Wī kīirītu! I carried you on this back in plant in season. Shame on you.

And then we all sit around the fire waiting for the Mūkimo to boil as we listen to matangazo ya vifo (obituaries) on Kameme fm 

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Rabaero, the gunslinging duck that must have been a captain in the Vietnam war, or something.

We used to have  the above animal.
We called him Rabaero (lafaelo)
I'm not sure why we had him because he wasn't exactly a pet nor could he be counted among the livestock.
He was just there. Constantly chasing all of us around the compound like a mad person.
You had to watch your back.

If you came in from the back gate without a big stick ole wako because there you are happily walking in with a bunch of carrots and leeks, you bend by the tank to wash off the soil and punde si punde you get a kick on your bottom.
You look up and there is this gunslinging duck ready to kick you in the face.

So you either screamed for help or run as fast as you could to the front gate and exited the compound.
And there you would remain, locked out until uncle came in. Rabaero would be under the granary acting like nothing happened.
I was in my 20s by the way at this time.
We all got kicked. Shushu got kicked while bending  by the
Utensils rack scrubbing sufurias.
She called on to Maria! For help. But when she turned around and saw it was Rabaero disrespecting her. She called him a badly behaved ass( ngunda īno ītarī handabu!) and threw the contents of the previous night's ugali pot at him.

Tata got kicked,  coming in from the farm with a big pile of dry bean plants. She chased Rabaero into the chicken house and told him 'you will stay there until you behave.'
So he was locked up for a week but she felt sorry for him because he was always hungry and the maize she fed the chickens in the morning was not enough , or he was too big to peck at the grains as fast as the chickens. I can't remember what she said but soon Rabaero was out in the compound terrorizing all of us including the dogs.
When our small cousin would be getting out to go to school, someone had to accompany him to the gate, else he would chase him all the way out to the gate and continuously kick him as he tried to open the gate.

His brother would carry a big stick around to keep crazy Rabaero in check.

The only person safe from attack was uncle. He had said one day to his wife  in a very loud voice
'Mayangai nyina wa Mūnyeki rīrīa rūbata rūrū rwaku rūkahūūra ihaati no kūrūtema ngarūtema
(The day your gunslinging duck kicks me I shall cut it into pieces)
Rabaero heard him, loud and clear and he kept away from Uncle's path.
Then the roosters began to copy him.
Now we had a butt kicking gunslinging duck and roosters that could throw a proper knock out punch
 - great-
We thought maybe it was the datura thorn Apple plant growing in the chicken house that was causing this behaviour.
When the seeds burst the chickens would feed on them.

Then we thought maybe he was lonely - Rabaero that is-
So aunt went and found him two females.
He would match them proudly around the compound like a certified polygamist.

But that is how it was always been with our animals. They could open doors and gates and Once, after he had been away for a week, Our Dog Tom brought back a bag that had a thermos with tea in it and two Mandazi.

I am not sure what happened to Rabaero, he was not home when I last went. I miss him somehow, he was like a badly behaved family member who you miss after they leave.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Mathree Route : He only had a single pick up line


"You must have had a long day at work."
He says to me
and I say 'I am from a meeting.'
He says, " It must be a meeting that brought you lots of money."

I want to ask him how he has come to such a conclusion but
I don't want to talk.
The matatu is playing rubbish music at an extraordinary volume
I am tired and pms just kicked in  I'm grumpy and I don't feel like shouting at 9.00pm.

But he is one of those tall, dark, glass wearing, 30 somethings you see in town who actually look good in a suit. From the seaside of course . God help the girl.
His breath is fresh too so I don't want to be the typical natural hair Nairobian girl snob with a chip on her shoulder because her Mikalla order just arrived and she can't wait to get home to try it.

I had seen him check me out when we were getting into the matatu and I expected him to be seated next to me before I could find my seat belt.

And here he is now with a single pick up line.

I can guess what he's gonna say. He will probably ask me if I am going to Umoja 1 or Innercore, he will brag about his long day at work and how he doesn't know what he will eat when he gets home. He will ask me if I live alone and if I have eaten already. And when I tell him I'm getting off at Market he will tell me he is getting off at Peacock but he can walk me home. Then he will take my number . I will give him my Telkom line so he doesn't start sending me 11mb video clips on whatsapp.

After one week he will get frustrated because I have only  replied to one of his texts and then he will move on with his life.

"I am from a Christian meeting, I am a Witness."
I say and wait to see his reaction
He will probably say oh, me too I am a Christian. Then he will say he has relatives who are of the Seventh Day church.
' So you witness about Jesus?'
He says, looking straight ahead.
I don't get what he's saying so here we are now with our heads together.
Him shouting 'what I think is  ''Jesus'
And me going 'huh?'
We give up after a few try's.

We sit side by side, he wants to ask me things.

I look at him and spell out '
'What is your job?'
He tells me he is a lawyer with a glint in his eye, I can see it. Or maybe it's the Lighting in the bus caught up in his glasses.
I ask 'what kind of a lawyer?
A criminal lawyer or Business lawyer.'
He looks at me Like I am quite an idiot who should be taking evening classes on general knowledge instead of going for those meetings that don't produce a lot of money.

' Yes I am an advocate.'
"So you go to court?" I ask in my most idiotic voice. I don't mean to be idiotic, it's just when someone says they are an advocate I am not sure if we can really have a conversation anymore.

He says
 'Yes.'
Then he looks straight ahead but   I can see his eyes. Peripheral vision.
Man! Then the giggles come. They start deep in my stomach and start to shake me .
I want to ask him a serious question like, 'so do you watch Suits?'
And then tell him how great the ties in episode 5 looked.
If he is an older  audience I have my back up conversation starter pack. I can tell him how awesome it was when Ally, in Ally Macbeal wore mixed patterns that looked like Kitenge.
He'll probably ask how come I was allowed to watch Ally Macbeal at that age.
I don't ask him about Suits. We just sit.
He with his peripherals, me wth my giggles.
I want to ask him if he has a card or something in case I commit a crime and need an advocate.

I am among the last to get out. When I ask him to excuse me he walks to the door ahead of me, then he changes his mind and sits on one of the chairs close to the door. I get off and hope that one day he will learn to have more than one pick up line.
In case he meets a girl who is more obliging.

Efficiency, why we must learn to be.

 There are no schools that you will sign up to to learn how to be efficient. Most will teach you a profession or a skill and it's up to ...