This Chic: Opening up conversations with debate conditioned Kenyans.

 I watched a TV Talkshow last week about 'Why the modern woman cannot seem to find love'

The poll question wanted the audience to text back and say who they thought was responsible for failed relationships. Men or women?

Yeah.

They asked that.

Anyway.

I watched the show, on youtube because one of the guests is a girl from my village, Nyambura Mundia.

This girl, I met when I was probably in class seven and she was in class four and someone pointed out to her as the girl who had beat my cousin at Poetry Recitals. Or it was something impressive like that because my cousin was a boy and taking all the public speaking and recital medals home.

When I saw her the next time, I remember taking a really good look at her. I had not seen anything like that in the whole of Endarasha. 

The self-confidence. 

She walked like the whole world was waiting on her to arrive. Step by step like she had bodyguards around her. Like she had an important mission and it didn't matter that she was a woman, she was the only one commissioned to deliver it.

I should say I had goosebumps but I didn't, I was just intrigued. It was my first time to observe a person in a Zen state. To make it more interesting, she was a dark child. And in Endarasha, you were beautiful only if you were light-skinned. Yet, unless your genes came from very strong brown-skinned people, the frost in my village bit your skin until you were a nice shade of dark blue. So of course, any light-skinned person was actually, yellow yellow not just earth brown.

But I could tell that this girl had no such whims.

I met this girl, later on, 100 years later, in my estate. She had the same walk. We had never been introduced so, I just let her walk past and later on Facebook suggested her as a friend and I accepted.

She is the Host of Swaiba Podcast, an open space for women to discuss issues that matter.

As the TV show proceeded, I kept thinking to myself. Is anyone listening to this woman? Can't they follow her flow of thought and realise that she is simply opening up the conversation?

My friend once commented that Kenyans lack conversation skills and I wondered 'ai, what do you mean? Kenyan's love to talk.'

Yes, Kenyans love to talk and hear their own voices, but it's rare to find a Kenyan who listens.

I guess that is why we have a had time discussing issues like mental health, relationships, violence, career and even finances.

Every topic is turned into a debate.

 Every idea is contended.

Very few people are willing to just have a discussion and let the conversation take any direction.

"I must win."

Is probably what some are thinking whenever a topic arises.

Why can't we just, have conversations? Where if you are right it's okay, if you are wrong it's okay but let's keep talking.

But if we continue to base every chat on our past beliefs and experiences, we lose out on so much because the dialogue is blocked.

As an infp personality type, I crave deep conversations and connecting with people on a mental, emotional and intellectual level. An achievement of that is at the top of my Maslow Hierarchy pyramid.

I wish Mwari wa Mundia all the best in her next session, may you remain as calm as you have.

You are welcome to join in the random tea chats I have on Instagram from time to time. 

CLICK HERE

or  HERE

Embracing vulnerability, embracing the low self esteem kid

This low self esteem kid likes to show up at my door.
I used to let her in and let her lay on the couch mourning about this and that
But now whenever she checks in
I bolt and disappear down the fire escape.

Because I am:
A positive
Confident
Self Assured
Good natured
Happy person.

That is the aura I excude
And I don't need this kid hanging around.

But she follows me everywhere
She was there with me when he said : but we are not really dating

She was there when the boardroom asked why I didn't get a job when they knew very well my color didn't allow me to get a job in their country.

She was with me when my cat disappeared and I couldn't sleep blaming myself for giving him away.

She's come along when I have settled for low income just because I got to pay my rent when I'm worth more...

So I devised a plan. I left her name at the registry, and whenever she checks in. Her name lights up on my phone and it's just enough time for me to take off.

And I ran from her again yesterday but when I felt her feet dragging on the floor. I couldn't bear it, I came back up and opened the door.

She had been crying
She was eating dextrosal.

I lifted her up onto a high chair and handed her a cup of tea.

Then sat beside her and talked to her.

I'm sorry you never got to speak you mind often enough to say what you meant.

I'm sorry you had to make up an imaginary name for a father you didn't know to satisfy your classmates.

I'm sorry about that times when the adults wanted you to take sides. You them both, it was unfair on you.



I'm sorry for the fear you felt when you were told you would be packed into a package addressed to the owner.

I'm sorry you felt you had to work hard, trying too hard to earn love..

Would you like another cookie?
I'm sorry about the times you got blamed for lost things.
I'm sorry you were never good enough
Coz you were
You were a good enough small human being.

'I want to run away'

You don't need to. Just wait. One day you are gonna be big enough
You will have a house full of books and all the cats you want.
Now you've got to stop showing up like this. Unless it's to bring me flowers.

Now run along and find some flowers to pick, chase some butterflies and kick pebbles. You are just a child.

And she left, quickly but with a smile on her tiny dark face and two chocolate chip cookies in her pocket.

I vow to always lift people up
I vow to always point out the good in people
I vow to not make anyone feel less than they are.

#positivity#vulnerability#notesfromyourtherapist #emotionalmaturity #healing #healingjourney #mentalhealthawareness #childrensbookillustration #childrenarethefuture #artoftheday #childsketch #sketch #oneminutesketch 

Embracing Vulnerability: Crooked Teeth

I grew up being made fun of my brown teeth. I had white teeth once, then they fell out and what grew out next were big rugged uneven teeth that started to turn color the minute they got out of the gum.

People told me a there is nothing beautiful about a girl with brown teeth.
One teacher, when she found me kneeling next to the headteacher's office(coz I had been caught singing in class during prep.
I was probably just showing off or bored or having adolescent issues) The teacher asked why I kneeling.
I didn't feel like telling her.
She wasn't in my class
So I just smiled
And she said
How dare you smile at me with such rotten teeth?

I stopped smiling, she went her way, I shrugged but then I started smiling again coz she didn't get her answer to her nosiness anyway.

 My first day of high school

I had just met some new girls and we were happily talking then a girl who had been in my primary school but now a class ahead paused in front of us and instead of saying hi.

She exclaimed

Gosh Shishilia those are such ugly teeth!
I didn't smile much after that.

But I did some figuring
My uncle, the first man I ever loved had brown teeth. But he was funny, he worked hard and he took good care of me and granny. So you could have brown teeth and still be a human being.

I also realized my teeth didn't pain . And when I had my first dental appointment he said my teeth were quite clean.

I had been brushing my teeth furiously all my life.

My mother supplied me with a toothbrush three times a year as well as a bag of sweets to last me until her next visit.

I would brush, carefully every morning and every night
Then I would tuck in two large pieces of candy into my mouth and get into bed. Mwana no mwana.

Anyhow. I also learnt that I loved other part of me. I loved my fingers, and my hair when I washed it and it came out in dark brown curls.

I also loved my nose because it was large and not tiny or flat.

And I was happy with that
As long as everything worked why stress so much about it and in any case I wasn't trying to win a beauty contest.

Then one day a girl in my class said
Wow Cecilia you have such a beautiful smile.
I said
Really? Thanks.
And I went to have a look in the mirror and sort of believed her. So I started to smile more.

She set me free.

Years later I read a book that had a teenager in it who was worried about something in her body and someone told her- you cannot have it all dear, but one thing is sure, if one thing is not right then everything else is perfect.

And I see that in many instances.
Someone might have terrible skin but they've got hips from here to Moyale.

Or another will have bad eyesight but gal those nails!

(I write something about guys here but I'm not sure I wanna say it)

Because we are not just one thing.

We are a whole lot of other things.