Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Embracing Vulnerability: Knowing my worth

Have you ever felt like you have been waiting your whole life to be picked?
I know I have.
No Sorry, I don't mean being picked by a guy.

I mean by life.

Like you are just over here behind everyone standing on tiptoe trying to see the front while frantically waving
your arms  saying 'Pick me! Pick me!' But your turn never comes?

As last year was coming to a close I started to think about how life picks us to show us off on a platform.
I also thought about how people pick each other to be present in their lives . And things that determine how the picking will be done.

By default, sometimes there is a pecking order.
But in my life I have noticed a pattern.
I confessed to a friend that while I was busy trying to be picked by some people I expected to be in flow with, Kumbe I had been picked elsewhere.
Kumbe there was a whole Ciss clan surrounding me, speaking my language and having the same taste in stirfried spinach as I have.

And this has brought a huge positive enthusiasm into my life.
I have been thinking about this since I finished reading 'The Joy Luck Club' by Amy Lee. 
Then when my friend posted this picture on her status and asked people to say something nice about me, it got clearer.
@himbz took the picture


When I started  to see the comments  it hit me that:

This is profound so listen carefully.

It hit me that:
1.  I may have been spreading myself  out too thinly.
2. I really really need to know my worth.

In the search for solid relationships with people, I have often ended up spending just a little time with too many different people that I don't spend enough time with those who have picked me as well.

How do you know someone has picked you?
They ring you up and ask if you managed to make anyone's hair this week.
They send you memes
They respond to invitations to have chips mwitu by making definite plans.
They respond to your texts and not leave you hanging for two weeks wondering - did I say something dumb?
They tell you they are praying for you.
They see your status and send you a laughing emoji.
They come to your house and wash vyombos after eating rice ndengu.
They meet you in town to pick up their deliveries so you don't have to spend extra cash.

And I did more thinking and thought that maybe oh well life picked me but maybe by my breeches.

But now how do I know my worth?

In the book, whats-her-name- is given a jade pendant by her mother and she's told, know your worth. But her mother dies without explaining what that means.
She thinks it probably means she needs to try harder in life because she has it in her.
When she was young her mother made her learn how to play the piano but she hated it, and when her mother stopped forcing her to practice and told her' you could do it if only your would try.' I felt like I know exactly what the mum meant.

Not to give up too easily.
I know I have. And my Shush once told me the same.

I had got a big writing gig and put my heart and soul into it then in the middle of it my laptop crushed and I cried for a few hours.

'The problem with you is you give up quickly.'

It's  true. I crush with all my disappointments.

But I also get up again and again and I bet that's where my strength lays.
That's where my worth is.
That no matter how many disappointments come along. I get up again. As soon as I stop crying.

Maybe my worth is in how many times I am willing to try.

I have the attractive option of crawling under my bed to die. But I fear I would get hungry and gnaw on the wood.

So it's  better to just keep getting up.
Keep discovering what is my true worth.
How many carats I am.

And I will keep picking those who pick me.
Those who drive to my house on an early morning to check why there is fire coming out of my computer cables, those black ones over there. Mimi sijui nini mbaya nimeona tu zimeanza kutoa moshi.

Those who let me record my experiments using their expensive gadgets.
Those who don't let me dismiss the question 
How are you?
Because they want to hear the answer.

Perhaps I am not waiting for life to pick me.
Perhaps I got a better deal.
To choose the life that works for me

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