Home is not the place I leave but the one I come back to

I don't know exactly when but it had to be after mother's passing when it hit me that so many strings had been severed with that one death.

Before, I had always felt that I was being pulled in different directions.
Now it seemed very clear that I should have just focused on one direction, I had only needed to be in one.

A few years later I firmly understood what it meant to create your own home.
It's hard to explain but before I just needed to have a place to stay and because of that I worked hard to pay rent in time but it would be just that, a house that I lived in.

Now I have a place to stay, but I have made it into a home, a sanctuary and a place of rest and growth.

I know longer cry on my way back to my home from my ancestral home.
I know there is safety, warmth and good food in my own home, and God's spirit flows freely.

The Past Four Years

 When I paid for an ad to start teaching English online, I expected it to only last the three tropical winter months- June, July and August, then I would be comfortable to walk around again doing my hair clients and attending farmer's markets to compile stories.

I didn't know that I would start to like and enjoy it so much that I would end up signing up for a Teaching Diploma, which would have me working in a school in Europe, and then with professionals. Now, I am not even very clear on my job description because my roles have morphed into one beautiful giant that changes depending on the day.

Sometimes I am teaching grammar to school children, some days I am having hard discussions with Pyschology PHD students, and two days in a week I meet up with two Risk Management Accountants explain things like, Hazard and Operability. I often need to watch several SNL skits after these lessons.

 Then I have my four teenagers who have me searching for a myriad of topics from vegetarian diets to football to questions like 'can I show you my latest Anime figure?' in the middle of a grammar lesson. The kids come in all cute, with their stuffed animals during winter, or a jar of ice cubes to snack on in Winter.

There is an architect, co-ordinating one hundred projects, and I get to see the European rural arena with its numerous berries.

Now I eat, drink and sleep Students. They've become my friends, and I am an auntie to the children, and I am glad for this part of my life.

Life in Smaller Doses Please.

 

Whenever I feel like I have finally figured out life, it slips from my grip and I have to start all over again. For example at the beginning ofthe year I thought that, maybe if I did my part in the society by being good , kind and generous, society would recipocrate.

Well, it hasn't. In its place my kindness has been met with suspicion. My generousity has raised eyebrows

- na anatoanga pesa wapi na haendangi kazi? Huyu ni must akuwe amewekwa na sponsor-   -ee, hawa ndio wanazurura huku wa mabwana za watu-

(it didn't help that someone's stupid husband started ringing my phone with an excuse, sijui this sijui that but after the second ring I started ignoring. And he better thank his gods because if I picked up that call he might have ended up deaf. I can't deal with stupid people, I cannot tolerate people's stupid husbands. ) 

So I decided to mind my own business, and believe me, if I decide to mind my business, I score full points. That didn't augur well with society.

"Huyu ni nini anafanyanga hapa na hiyo paka yake, ata kwa parking usiku?"

"Ata usiku unampata na kiti nje."

This, from humans who, ukiona wamevaa nguo utafikiri wako na akili.

But of course it's expected, we insult what we don't understand, and anything that doesn't align with our point of view, no matter how limited by lack of experience it might be, becomes phantasmagoric.

Any how.  Since I cannot expect to explain my life to everybody, the  best way is to just keep on living this beautiful, fantastic life.

So today I decided that, I will stop trying to live many days in one day, it's just not possible. I have to live hour by hour, day by day.

I will stop carrying over emotions from yesterday.

 I only need to deal with today's issues, this week's issues, this month's issues.

{I lost my train of thought when looking for the trailer for the beautiful Fantastic😐😏}

Speculations Against the 40 year Old Female

One of the nastiest habits I find repulsive in people is speculation. I have recently learned  the translation for the word, it's kukisiakisia.

I have often found myelf snapping at a kisiakisiaring person because I honestly cannot tolerate it. Here's an example, you go out with you friends, and on that particular day you have one of those pre-menoposal waves that has you feeling nauseated by everything, the only thing that can pass through your throat without wretching is dawa (ginger, lemons, cinnamon boiled together and served with honey)

You don't order anything from the menu, and your friends  feel awkward to be eating and drinking and start pressuring you to  ' at least si ukule samosa .' You don't bow to the pressure, and cannot be haggered to explain. So let's say, in this case, you are not the pre-menoposal one, you are just one of the friends who is not pressuring anyone to eat trianglar shaped meat pockets, but have promptly ordered yourself a dawa as well along with the Tilapia with Ugali you are having.

And on the way home, the other friends start to talk about the one that just had a drink. ' Maybe she didn't have enough money.' 'Maybe she is on a diet.' 'Maybe she is pregnant.'

And you snap at them to say,' Maybe she just didn't feel like eating, why can't you respect that?'

That's  the safest example I could think of.

Being single, 40, childfree and happy elicits a lot of speculation. The most common one being, you have your eyes wide OPEN searching for a man. Any man. So hear comments like I - Have you seen nani recently? Do you keep in touch with nani?-

Just because I am single doesn't mean I am hot in the pants for any man that crosses my vision. In fact, a man is often the farthest thing from my mind.

I think about money, and business, and books, and cats, and forests, and my family, and God, and eternal life. A man? Is relationships all people think about? I was preoccupied with having a boyfriend in Standard Seven. Now I worry about big girl plans, big girl bills, and big girl thrills.

That said, you can be sure I am preparing some retorts.

Perhaps a Third Space will save us from Insanity

I would prove it scientifically had I paid a little more attention in my Quantitative Analysis 

class at Kenya School of Professional studies but I was too distracted by the lecturer's

 sweater. Aari na kiburana kiari gicuhu na thutha. na moko mari onamo macuhu, he had this 

knitted sweater, the kind that you know was knitted on a sherahani (cardigan knitting 

machines)

sherahani

He also made me think of this boy in grade school who liked to chew on his cardigan cuffs until they were frayed ta kindu kiri magigi. The lecture's sweater was green and I imagined his mother must have gotten it for him when he was in highschool.

So I failed that module and didn't get my certificate because when I went back to do the test I was accused of vanishing with someone's katululu (Tecno Touch Key Mobile) and I got so pissed I never went back.

 I may not be able to use Math to tell you what I mean to say but since I have the language for it, let's give it a shot.

I decided to go to the gym today and on the way I entered a bookstore, where I discovered that the owner is an actual book lover. I bought Gail Tskiyama's Women of Silk, I have been looking for it but didn't want her to see my excitement in case she hiked the cost. She asked if I was going to the gym or coming from it. We talked about 2026 goals. She took my number and told me she was planning to create a reading space. I told her I would appreciate that very much.

I have been feeling a certain sort of way.

You know when you lack the proper mental stimulation? I asked chat gpt and this what he said.

Intellectual and Creative Undernourishment.

What you’re describing is the kind of environment that can make a thoughtful person start doubting themselves. Not because anything is obviously wrong, but because day after day you’re offered interactions that don’t quite reach the depth your mind expects. After enough of that, you can start adapting downward without noticing — talking less precisely, thinking less expansively, editing out the parts of yourself that won’t land.

For a writer, that’s especially costly.

Writers need contact with difference. Not just busyness — difference. Unexpected angles, contradiction, people who challenge your assumptions, conversations that sharpen thought instead of smoothing it flat.

And that line — “a subtle pressure to shrink complexity because the environment rewards sameness or predictability” — that’s the one I’d pay attention to.

Because if you stay in an environment where your complexity feels inconvenient, one of two things usually happens:

• You become restless, irritable, quietly lonely.
• Or you get very good at becoming smaller there.

The second one is more dangerous because it can feel like “adjustment” when it’s actually self-erasure.

SElf Erasure

That hit hard because, I  have a deja vu of two times when I moved from the village into the city and had to shrink to fit in size, and later on when I moved into a small town where English was not the common lingua franca, I offended quite  a number of people when I was sarcastic or played with some dark humour. I was constantly apologising. 

I am at that point again.

 When I find myself explaining obvious statements. Or when something I say is met with ' as in?' It's so long since I heard that phrase used and it makes me gritt my teeth. 

In high school, 2000 years ago, we used the phrase to rebuff something a person we didn't like said, often intended to be a rude remark, asserting the other person to be spewing nonsense, thus demanding the brush off.

I guess it's a constant occurence when you move from your comfort zone.

Speaking at the Skip the Rope to skip the Rope event. April.2026

So I met this woman and we had a nice chat and I thought, oh, there might be hope for this place.

And she was speaking in english, so we understood one another pretty well.

You know, I once heard Cess Mutungi, when she would present Jazz Tuesday on Capital FM say that if she was to date any guy, guy had to be able to communicate in English. And I was like, oh yeah, I agree. And we chuckled about it with some friends saying 'imagine someone telling you they are in love with you in Kikuyu.' It was funny. But never in my life did I think a time would  come when someone would tell me. ' Natamani kuwa na mahusiano pamoja na wewe.' 

Just shoot me, okay?

So in case I am still around when she opens her proposed library, I hope it becomes a third space for people. women like me who are looking for mental engagement. Perhaps it will become a centre for Book Readings and Open Mic evenings. maybe there will be evening cards, and lectures.

Older Women Don't Owe us Nought

 Older women don't owe us a dime.

I understood this fact this year, at 41. I confess that in the past relied on my older friends, aunts and women acquintances for advice and even comfort.

Sometimes, I just acted mumu and let the older women in the family take care of things. But most of them have passed on and we, their children are now they adults and I don't feel like I can be relied on.

Not that I won't chip in and assist when required, but not in the way I have observed the younger generation desiring to.

Again, I admit that I am guilty of leaning heavily on an older friend in the past, like the time I was renting a room in an older woman's flat. She was 45, I was 22 and without a written code, I somehow expected her to do the cooking, or decide what products we needed for cleaning up. Like she was my mother or something. 

Not that we should lean in heavily on our mothers, no. They need our support, especially when we are young and strong and can earn an income.

 I don't mean just financially, but the expectations that we have.

For example, and  I have experienced this. Maybe you have a party, and you need a big pot to cook your pilau in, and since you are 29 and haven't really stocked your kitchen, you think, ah let me call Cecilia, she will lend me hers. And you do that the next time you need a hammer, or a big white sheet you just call her and she send a rider with the next item that you need.

 Nothing wrong with that at all. Just that in all these instances, Cecilia has never been a guest in your house. You have been to her house several times for parties and tea and just dropping by but she doesn't even know which gate belongs to you.

Aje sasa?

Or people might make big asks of you, and you being the Msamaria mwema you are you do all the heavy lifting, even when it's not expected. But them you discover a pattern. The same people will have their own ' lunches and get togethers' in their homes but never invite you.'  While you thought that providing venue was  the  ' least you could do' to help the young ones enjoy some music and food, you find out that, even without the venue they still got together and you were invited. You only get a call int he evening requesting if  you  could  host one of their guests who came from a different city.

So you learn to mind your own business. If someone wants to meet you suggest a tea house. If someone needs an item you forward them a Jumia Black November sales link and move on with your life.

 My friend told me ' anytime I get the urge to invite people over for coffee or lunch, I head straight to the wine shop and buy myself an expensive wine.' 

When?

Ultimately, that thing we are chasing might not even be real.

It could be just an imagined state that will keep alluding us.

To put a rein on the eternal groping for nothingness, we must clearly define what living a life that is enough for a 63.2 Year life expectancy means.