I want to fall into the bosom of a bosomy woman of fifty or sixty and sob for half an hour.
Today I felt a great sense of loss. The loss of my grandmother to Alzheimers.
My grandmother was a very clear minded and articulate woman before ALZ slapped her and took out chunks of her brain out.
I miss being told off by a woman I respected and feared, but loved because I knew she loved and cared about my interests. I also miss having an older person reassure me. It's scary being the adult.
Today I am wishing for a parent, or at least an adult to tell me it's gonna be okay, somehow.
There was a funeral today. A neightbour, slightly older than me but with a wife and kids.
He died of cancer. I felt it. Last night we sat, with his cousins, talking into the night. Talking about how we can't even hope to get to 60 these days. Our lifespan is short. I didn't tell them I've been there. I just hang around them, hoping they would not feel too alone. Because I know in grief, a familiar face makes you feel less alone.
His death, of course opened up wounds in me that I carefully conceal so as to survive this terrifying world.
Once again I am reminded of the fragility of my life and that of others, and once again I am paralysed by my incapability to help.
I feel helpless.
I don't want people to die, or leave, or get sick, or accuse me of cutting off their internet connection just because there's a cable running through my house to theirs.
Today I feel hurt and powerless.
Do you ever go through periods in your life when everything falls apart or breaks down?
I get those seasonal breakdowns at least once a year when for a few months you are fixing this, then that, then that again.
I am also cold and didn't sleep too well.
My phone broke down so I can't share memes and pretend the sun is shining, and if you call me. I will answer with a ringing voice and tell you I am fine. In case you called, not to find out if I am okay but called to check on your list that I am okay so you can go on with your life.
Is our worth more after we die than when we are alive when we are struggling/ When we are getting bashed left right and centre by situations no one gave us the skills to handle?
I am not thinking suicidal thoughts.
It takes greater courage to live. Each day, in spite of sometimes walking through dark pits that no one can see. And I am courageous. Even through ugly sobs.
give me flowers now
sing me songs now
tell me I matter now
don't write it on a stupid euology. I won't know.
....when they pass through the Ba'ca Valley, they make it into a place of springs.
...And the early rain clothes it with blessings
They will walk on from strength to strength....
Is there any situation that the Psalms cannot fix?
The Psalms are like the Coldplay of the Bible.
A Psalm for every feeling.