Monday, September 25, 2023

This Chic: On Vomit inducing texts

 One of my friends will from time to time hint that I need to get myself out there.

A beautiful woman like you, you should be out there going on dates.

So she recently texted me 

 Telling me I need to meet someone we both knew a long time ago.

I told her to be ware, she might end up in a story.

She means well.

Just like my aunt meant well when,

An eligible bachelor asked for my number.

And I got a vomit inducing text saying:


And before I could respond another one came.

‘Naitwa Denno’

(Some names have been replaced to protect the culprits )

But who introduces themselves by their nicknames.

I waited two days and then another three came.

‘Gathoni, mbona kunyamaza hivo?’


‘Nawexa kukucal?’

Ngai Mwathani. Why would you want to call?

He called.

And talked about the weather.

I put on my most masculine voice and said sorry I was heading out could we talk later.

After a month of such nauseating texts he finally said he wanted me as a wife, because he believed I was capable of building up his businesses with him. (Kaari kamūndū kebangīte)

Which is sad really, when you think about it.

If this was 1956 we might have met at a dance and he would have had no trouble explaining his intentions to me.

But throw in a hand phone and language goes out.

But why would you text like a 90’s teenager honestly?

Or maybe I aim too high and should just ignore the lack of language and engage in mind reading.

Sunday, September 24, 2023

17 . Plot 65 Tales : Kombucha


Aaaai Mwarī wa Nyawīra onawakorwo nī kūhara mūndū nīoigaga andū magoka na karori’

He says the next time you go home you will have to ask for directions.

‘Ugage kwanyu kwarī hakuhī na gwa cibū, na kwarī na mabati Maaī redi.’

You tell him you will go home when you organize your affairs.

He tells you, ‘onokorwo mūtikīrīaga krismasi Easter

Īkīrī na ūūru ūrīkū?

‘Aca tiūguo mama,’

‘Na nīkīī? Nīkīī gīkūgiria ūūke? Jesu akuīte na akariūka kaī arī ūndū mūhūthū we ndūhaie ūke tūrīe gatūrume.’

You tell him you will see.

It’s not as if you have been away from home for a long time. It’s just the Kenyan way of saying we need to see you.

‘Aria aria na tataguo’

You aunt tells you she has joined a group and they are getting unga, but you have to register three people.

‘And if the three people also register other three people, you will get half a bundle of Unga, mūgathiī ūguo kinya no ūheo mbūri. The more people you bring, the more things you get.’

‘ So it’s a pyramid scheme.’

‘ Nīguo ītagwo?’

‘Yes, like the people who sell you Aloe Vera juice.’

‘Ooo ibūyū ici cia gīthukurūi tūkorogwa nacio ciheanagwo na pyramid scheme ici?’

You tell her yes, but reassure her that her pyramid scheme seems legit because right now food is pricey so they have a good selling point.

‘ But people are saying nī cia masonīki.’

I laugh and she goes on.

‘Lakini mimi ata zikue za devil worshipper ni sawa tu bora nimekula unga. Korwo ūrī gūkū ngūgaīre.’

‘It seems reasonable’

‘ I was there today, twathiī twahūyūka mathaa meeri twainūka.’

‘Wueh, these days you have to find a way to release stress.’

‘A, īni, angīkorwo ūraikara ūkaigua ndūrī ūndū ūrenda rī, na kinya mūndū akwararīria ūkarakara .’

‘icio akīrī stress. Ata mimi hakuna kitu nataka ata chakula Nakula tu juu lazima mtu akule.’

‘Ona ithuī gūkū no ūguo, kūgagaya.’

‘But we have to keep looking for ways to remain sane, at least one thing to help us get on to the next day.’

‘Nī ma, ūraikara ūguo ūkaiguo kīūndū kīahanīka.’

You ask if she remembers how Shushu was once in a pyramid scheme.

‘She was?’

‘ You remember when she used to make kombucha? Alafu andū makianjia kuuga atī makunū mau nī ma masoneki, atī makūragio rungu rwa iria .’

‘And the mushrooms had to be burned to prove that they could burn.’

She remembers;

‘ Rīu Shushu angīrī mirionea. Aberdare slopes Kombucha.’

Sunday, September 3, 2023

Finding God: How The Man Above answers my prayers


I'm happy to be alive. And not just because that's what I should say to show gratitude for life.

 To be honest, life is exhausting, it can be exhausting. 

It's mostly exhausting.

 And more than once in my life I have wondered what's the point of this.

But I'm glad to be alive for another reason. The years I live in accumulation keep opening up my mind to my creator's personality.

 I'm beginning to understand who God is.

 Who he is in relation to me.

 Who he is as a God, as a father, and as a friend.

What it means to draw close to God.

I have, for the longest time been kinda afraid of getting close to God.

With him being so high up there, and me being down here and insignificant.

With him being a man, and me down here having an almost derision towards the male species.

Being self-reliant and independent. I've struggled with being able to pray and trust that God is listening to my childish wants and desires and worries.

I sometimes feel like I am burdening him with all the baggage I drag along.

Sometimes I feel I am not giving him proper respect by confessing some things that are really private and embarrassing.

But the more I have opened up myself to God, the easier it has become to see how cool he is. My friend says she and Jehovah are Boyz- Jehovah ni boyz wangu she says-

For me, I decided to approach Jehovah from a humorous point of view. 

I know that God is a very funny person. Just look at the sloth, the humphead wrasse, the armadillo. I mean, someone that creates such hilarious living things 

must have a huuge sense of humour.

So I talk to my creator as I would talk to an older brother. With respect, but comfortably.

and he answers me. I tell him all the funny things that I think about. I also tell him about

situations that arise in my life that make me a  stay up watching K-Drama so that 

my mind can settle down. I realise I am 

different in many ways from most people I encounter in my society. I don't say this from

 a high-minded pedestal.

I mean like, I interpret things in my own way, I deal with people from the point of

 - this is me-

What you see is what you get. I am not interested in putting up a skit for you,

And me, for the rest of the days that I am gonna live. I've decided the best I can do is look at life

 humorously. Otherwise, I might just crawl under my bed and never come out.

Life is herr.

It's a herrish life.

 I don't mean hellish, we are used to hell, we are on another octane.

But through all the wanderings, I now know 100% that God listens.

And he answers me. Sometimes in Eminem.

  Now hush little baby, don't you cry

Everything's gonna be alright

Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We fear how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby.

Sometimes in Tupac

And even though you're fed upHuh, ya got to keep your head up
Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easierKeep-keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter (ohh)
Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easierKeep-keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

And we move on.

Efficiency, why we must learn to be.

 There are no schools that you will sign up to to learn how to be efficient. Most will teach you a profession or a skill and it's up to ...