Friday, October 22, 2021

Grief: A loveless Child

I met one of those girls who always seem to know what they want, how to get it without getting beat up.
Basically, how to play the game as an equal player.

The type of girl I would be if I straightened my hair often, wore shorter dresses often, and drank beer out of a mug?

I can be that girl I know but it would exhaust me because it would also involve me getting around and socializing because you don’t sit at home binging on Lupin and taking naps with straight hair and shaved eyebrows do you now?
You go out and meet people.
And have conversations about the depreciating value of technological assets and non-investment grade bonds.

She said that corona made her experience the midlife crisis she always thought was too far off.

She was very well put together, I wondered how anyone got through a midlife crisis in a white shirt and perfectly manicured hands.
When mine came I don’t think I shaved for a year.

Then I got to thinking about the last two years.

.....what was that?....
It can only be described as a midlife tragedy.

But tragedy teaches you.
If you are alert, it’s when you are in the depths that many things make sense.

Like grief.

 And the crazy thing is,

You don’t really know how many things you could be grieving for.

For me, it was the loss of a means to sustain my life
The loss of relationships
The loss of the ability to give
The loss of a sense of self
When a well laid out routine was disrupted,

And then came the loss of people.
Death put a cap on it.

How am I still standing?
How Do I still get up?
How do I breathe?


Today I learned that you really have to give room to grief.
Grief doesn't just come and leave when it should.
It doesn't tell you how long it plans to stay.
And when it finally goes,
It leaves a toothbrush
And a nightie
And makes copies of your gate key.
It will meet you sometimes in the early mornings when you want to take a morning walk.
It sometimes appears in the bedroom when you're trying to read a book.

It never leaves a message
Grief shows up in person and demands your attention.
Tugging at your cuffs like a small child,
Grabbing your arm like a matatu conductor
Sometimes drilling into your face like a low branch on an unfamiliar road.

So you must learn to make room for it.
Acknowledge it
Sit with it
Until the visits become unnecessary
For I have come to know that grief, is just a loveless child looking for attention.


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