This is how I checked into the meetings on Sunday.
Great hair, lipstick done and wearing my favourite dress that a friend gave me.
I was early and ready to have the best zoom meeting.
I had stayed up awake most of the night watching my roof leak.
I had cried several times before 11.45 but I had washed my face and was ready for the next phase.
Power went off just before the song so I missed the talk.
And by the time I realised kumbe my power tokens had gotten finished it was time for the Watchtower discussion so I was back like nothing had happened but this time it was raining and there were three men on my roof and dust and water falling onto the table.
But the show must go on.
A few hours later there was a zoom party.
This time the rain was coming down hard. My personal belongings, mostly books sand art were crowded in the driest corner of the house.
I was getting interrupted every five minutes.
There were loud steps coming from the roof.
I was worried someone might slide and break their leg so I was on the verge of another sobbing spell because where was I going to move to in this corona season and what if all my notebooks get too wet and I have to burn them?
Just then my landlord's wife came and said.
' Don't worry if this doesn't work you can move into the other vacant house, for the same price.'
She came with her grand daughter.
We all pretended it was not unusual that I was dressed up like a prehistoric Jewish woman.
They probably thought I had decided to fast and pray and that was my prayer attire.
I didn't mind.
I was playing Hannah in the zoom party and I was gonna be a great Hannah.
It was a lot of fun, playing Bible characters over zoom and just chilling out as friends.
And it doesn't matter that I am new here, I feel at home.
My friend asked what I had learned from Hannah when she saw my picture in the costume.
This is a friend who reads the Bible 50 times more than I do so I have to be careful not to respond like an idiot.
What I would have liked to say is that I learned Hannah was very self controlled because if it had been me?
Three people would have gone home with black eyes.
The co wife who probably couldn't even cook a decent meal to feed the many children.
The conceited husband who thought he was the reason for Hannah's breathing.
And Eli for thinking he could just say whatever to a random woman.
But I didn't tell her all that.
After thinking about it later I thought the best lesson I can learn from Hannah is about showing up.
To show up no matter what chaos are happening.
She didn't stay home and mope.
And after she had cried prayed like a drunkard to Jehovah, a scene I can relate to in every way,
She washed her face and get on with it.
Girl, Wash Your Face.
That is the book I am reading with a ruler and highlighter because Rachael Hollis speaks to me as a girl, a young woman and the pre-menoposal woman that I am.
She talks about feeling like you are not where you should be, about downplaying your glorious moments because you don't want to be judged?
Or even giving up our own auntheticity so that people can understand us and tolerate us more.
It made me think of when my mother came to visit me after her retirement.
At the end of the visit she said.
'You know, I think it's good to just live a private life your own way. Huku kwako kuna mastarehe ( It's very relaxing here.')
I remember thinking that that particular time she spent in my house I had not tried to impress her in any way. She had been able to see me in my own element.
I wasn't trying to put up a show for her. I was just completely myself. I admit it wasn't the best version of myself. There was a load of washing standing up loke a stuffed statue and Happy would come and step on her face while she slept.
I had stopped struggling.
And when I stopped struggling I didn't care who accepted me or not.
And I wish I had had the courage to be myself completely without also trying to do things to please society because man, it's exhausting.
I have two people I am interested in pleasing.
Jehovah.
Me.
Every chapter is a favourite in this book
But my best line so far
Is.
-Find a tribe of people who are in a similar walk of life as you are. Once you find them, be honest about where you are and what you’re struggling with. Learn to ask for help, and when someone offers help, accept it! Accept any and all help you can get and consider it a gift from God! -
Of the best assets I could have wished to have by 2020,
having a tribe that completely understand me and my language is the best assets. A plot at Juja Kalimoni would also be great.
My tribe consists of women who have gone through similar life stages as I have. Women who I can throw a question at and they will have a good solid answer not a washed out ' that's just how things are.'
Women who engage their brains to try and figure out thoughts, emotional and adult behaviour instead of dumping it on someone.
Women who make me think.
Women who remind me not to dare fall in love in covid-19 season when everyone is bored and wants to chat into the night.
Women who read and write amazing things.
Women who admit that they don't have it all figured out but they don't bury their head in the bread dough and pretend it doesn't concern them.
Women who save pictures of me and send them to me out of the blue just to remind Me I am awesome, but that doesnt mean they are not coz we aren't comparing each other here.
Shall I go on?
