My friend said maybe I should try to less angry at the world. I had mentioned I
was having a problem making simple decisions.
(Me? Angry at the world? Nooo.
I'm one of the happiest person I know in this world.)
But when your friend
something you should take notice because she must have observed something. And
the kind of relationship my friends and I have is, a friend won't say things to
build up their own egos.
No. We say things to improve each other.
I decided to
take it easy and check my behaviour for a while.
But I had questions to myself.
I know I used to be angry and did some anger management work and successfully
acquired calm.
And for years now I have been able to control strong angry
feelings.
But could it be as I worked to remove the hurt and bitterness out of
me I may have just moulded it into a ball which I project to the world as I
carry on with a cynical outlook to situations that try to upset my in-ward
balance?
Or might I still be holding it all in with a smile and just needing one
thing to light me up and off I'll go off like a faulty firework? I also thought
about the reasons that I could be angry at the world.
Do I feel like the world
owes me?
Like it hasn't given me what I deserved?
Probably.
But that would be a
narrow approach to it because.
What of street kids being raised by druggies.
What of those born in dire poverty where an egg is a luxury?
What of those born
sick?
I remembered an interview I read in True Love magazine.
Muthoni the Drummer Queen. She mentioned that She is a Polymath .
A polymath is defined as a person
who gains expertise in more than one field. Simply put, someone who has many
interests. She said that she realised that in school she realised the best way
to get her parents off her neck was to score good grades then she could focus on
the things that really interested her.
Thus blankets and wine and all her other
awesome pursuits. That way nobody got hurt. I felt like to me, that was advice
that came too late because unlike her, when I got bored with school or a job I
simply wandered off.
So I was angry that, despite knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life at 15. Here I was in business school trying to understand probability. Or here I was doing this job that I have absolutely no idea how to do but because that is what is available. I am doing it for the rent it affords me, and food.
You've got to keep a certain balance between
a boring job, your interest and hobbies and your personal life.
And when I
realised that that is how the world works I started to shape up and try to get
into the job market but there is a big difference between a fresh hot college
drop out and the same person ten years later. Your CV gets more scrutiny 10
years later .
And I guess therein lies my angst at the world.
When I have raised my arms and said okay world, I will do it your way.
I will do the 9-5 and work
on my interests at night.
Then the world turns round and asks about gaps in my
CV.
How about experience?
How about hard knocks?
How about learning the hard way
that early to bed and early to rise makes someone wiser and I can't remember
what else but all I am saying is.
Look here world.
I'm done being sceptical.
I
will take your dry bread.
I will sit in long mid morning meetings that could
have been and e-mail.
I will put on silly chiffon blouses and carry a bag with
shinny knobs to show accomplishment.
I'll do excel sheets and colourful word
tables.
Just give me that cheque.
Never mind I will use it on art paper and
paperback classics.
Then I thought perhaps my anger was because of restrained
grief from middle age tragedy.
I may have felt anger but helplessness is the
encompassing feeling that remains when grief subsides so no, not that.
And
then I got it.
I take myself too seriously.
And maybe if I learned to take a
chill pill from time to time I may just refocus the strong feelings.
I've been
told I take things seriously.
I do yes.
I'm strict And rigid And a recovering
perfectionist But it comes with trying to keep my world from toppling over.
But
just to see how it would feel. I'd let myself slow down a bit.
I'd drink coke,
leave my data on at night, pick up calls after curfew hours, and sleep in in the
middle of the week.
So I've slowed down in my expectations.
And I just finished
this book by a Kenyan writer. It's fiction. Best humour I have read since Trevor
Noah's Born a Crime.
links: https://medium.com/@kkaitue/3-reasons-why-generalists-rule-the-future-77fb4f9ad430
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