this moment is complete

Between snaps of

Consciousness

  I  wonder

Again, whether

 This is all a dream

 A really realistic Dream where,

I wake up with the aroma

Of flavours tasted

And the shiver of-

Near feelings confessed

The warmth of a Warm evening ray

Unblocked by the chilly evening wind.

Hey Lilly

Is this real?

 I dreamt we had rice wine together

In tiny budded royal blue porcelain

Embedded in white

The child playing a constant din with that plastic toy

On the dvd machine

The plastic beads inside broke out, like-

A dry pea pod at noon

And skidded down the stairs, settling

Between the bottles of salted eggs

And a midst your heavily accented words

I understood

 You once had dreams too

Now tangled up in others’ dreams

 Your partner,

 Your children

 Your work

Like the sweet potato vines in your back yard

 Growing among the nettles and thin mulberry.

You dreamt, you’d travel across, along and above the great sea that surrounds you.

 To listen to words served on foreign tongues

To sling a camera around your neck and pose

Long long minutes below monuments.

Dark glasses and sunny hats in place

Speaking Portuguese

Like you’ve seen in them lip-synched television programmes

The Kway Teow is cold now, down stairs.

 You wanna put it away fro breakfast

So you lift a tendoned  leg

And instead pull out a book off the shelf of many books.

-get me an African recipe out of that-

I trace a finger on the Suji and Kidney recipe.

The dog smells the page

Licks my face

The child is snoring on the floor

 You pour me another syrup starch syrup.

The house of therapy

To describe the carefree talks we  can have

Me on the single couch

You sitting on the pillow, ripping seams.

The child, an extra.

Therapy here means

The weight I’ve shed

As I speak with truth

Of sometimes ad hock existence

Like me backpacking back then

Lo! The scolding you gave. About putting myself in line for rape-

You are wise Lilly

I am done being a tomboy. I am, well, I have girl friends now.

I’ m a little less dreamy.

It’s hot

We eat agar agar

 Your other girl wakes up to pee

-Already 2pm mummy, when you gonna sleep ah?-

We are tired

But day break represents interruptions

Schedules and responsibilities

The night should last forever

The winking stars

Should never blink

Or fade

Or shy away from day

Coz this moment is complete as it could be.

Action drams, cartoon network sap and town music filled my mind

I forgot about the sound of nature

 The secrets whispered by birds to other birds

By crickets to other crickets

 By falls to the river

 I listened

 At last my mind began to remember

It began to refill itself with stories

 From the old  central

 Deciphering hyena’s laughter

 And what the cider told the grass below

 as they softly kissed

Beckoned by the wind

It was peaceful

Peaceful

I’d spent too many days indoors

Turning knobs and locks and switches,

 And pressing remote controls

I’d forgotten how to sit calmly listen,

Think,

Hear the sounds and breath in inspiration

A gift

 Which technology tries to slowly make me overlook

As I you tube

 And email

 And blog

 And chat…

I forget blue speedos and staedler pencils

Black rendits

And Tesco fullscaps.

Merged with everyone.

So I sat at the water’s edge dreaming

Peaceful dreams of sand beaches and

Clear springs of mountain water-ah-

For a moment as if in a stance, felt it

Heard it

 The soft calling of ants

 The gentle murmur of the trees….

doesn't matter now

you're receeding
with every passing moment
I'm letting go half exchanged confirmations
coz this  is the best I can do
 on these emotions
 and unreliable histories
while I set apart
 the real from the assumed,
the default from the tailored
 doubts feeding off my sides
'I should have said..."
"I shouldn't have said..."
It's morning now,
 It's not so spiral now,
A day lives.

green and gold

the water shimmers
reflecting a partly cloudy sky,
Gray.
Little fish, maybe 20 or 30 bask in the sun
Dragon flies skid on the water
playing
 A screeching bird, a cricket
 A water duck floats-dry
Sunshine steals to warm my legs
Perfect Harmony
This is the place where my fairy story began
But you're not here.

Sigh

Silence!Silence, please.

 Let’s have some quiet,

 A moment with my thoughts

 My contemplations

 To listen to this eerie cry

 And blink this huge tear-

 The staccato that connects different seasons of pain-

 Blanketed in loneliness.

 Sigh.

 Sighing whenever

 I wink this stare

Shifting from this palm,

 To that palm,

 On this  chin.

 Sigh,

 You understand,

 Humming.

 Drumming fingers.

 A far thought- Like a flicker-

 From a dry kerosene lamp.

Then anxiety.

Snatches

I wonder how much those weigh

 Kajuju: ofcourse I like books, what do you mean?

Mooze: Can I update my status, now now.

Sometimes the sun plays little games of hide and seek.

Like this needle tip of sun I found on my desk two days ago.

A few moments before darkness sets in. As if the sun wants to do one last check before it goes off.

emotions

This week. I’ve had the same amount of highs and lows. They ended up canceling each other so I don’t feel much difference. You know when you experience exhilarating moments then have to cope with deepest of the deepest ones. And in your mind songs  like- away from the sun,3 doors and six feet from the edge, Creed. And you try to force good thoughts by Colby Cailat but it doesn’t stick, you actually donno the lyrics? Yep.

First my internet connection decided to siphon every single cent  that went into the modem. I was quite angry, I even changed to a different network which I’m  yet to understand the workings but everyone has been telling me Orange is great. It might be, but their internet  customer  care isn’t  that great.

I got a cheque for some work I slaved for last month. For two weeks I thought that money had drunk  the water(I wouldn’t receive it). The contact I wrote it for died before the project was finished.  When someone dies with your debt, you are not so sure whether to pursue it or first send condolences.

Then I had the worst pms that had me cursing Adam and Eve, the cold weather and the lack of menstrual  Panadol around here, the pink ones, yeah.

But I had another high, connecting with a long lost loved one. 

Then when I thought all was going great I got the big idea to cook hard maize githeri. I bought a can of maize, a can of charcoal and set it to boil around 5pm. Lets just  say it was not even ready the following morning. I’ve been feeding on  that for the rest of the week for various reasons. It tasted better today.

It’s exciting to be away for two weeks, I’m going away for two weeks. Perhaps when I’m back I’ll be more balanced. I’m worried about leaving Mooze and Kajuju.  Especially Mooze, he’s  become quite dependent on me.  Typical mama’s boy.

I should have let the week end but I had to open my mouth and tell someone I now a place she could find work. This woman I buy oranges from needs someone to help her with cooking chapatti, githeri, bhajia. So I asked can I bring someone. Yes yes, please. She forgot to mention the person has to be hearing!

I felt the disappointment deep in me, as my deaf friend tried to smile knowing  very well she had  been turned down coz shez deaf. The feeling I had was a similar to one time I really needed a job and was asking about. My classmate Kim said they needed waiting staff at the café she worked.

I didn’t pursue it, but she told me again that her boss was waiting for me. We agreed a date and I went in to ask for Mr. Mumbo Jambo. Why was I looking for him? He wanted to know.

 I’m here for the job?

I said stting down. It was clear I wouldn’t get it. Kim forgot to mention I was black.

So Mr. MJ tells me a long story about the many people on the list for consideration. You’re Kenyan, my wife is from Uganda.  And how he was going to AFRICA next month.

Could you bring me a pack of tea when you get back? I asked with a smile that had a different shape behind.

It happened enough times that when our good natured student counselor mentioned jobs available for students, we simply clicked a tab to update our status.

Discrimination is a sad issue.

So I’m kinda mad, for my neighbor playing loud music too on a Sunday evening. Teenagers!