Day 21

Hey,

I planned to proof read some more this evening but my friend said she can do  that for me so I’ll leave it  to her.  I spent last evening swimming and learning gymnastics from my friend’s 9 year old.  She was surprised that I could do a double over, said I was the first flexible adult she’s  met in a long time.

I ran away from  my life at the first suggestion by my friend to go over for the evening yesterday, and ended up reading 2 chapters of –spy dog- and 2 chapters of a self help book about getting rid of bad habits. It said that laziness is the closest you’ll ever get to near death experience, I thought that was absolutely hilarious but true.

The reminder to take at least one and a half liters/litres everyday was helpful, otherwise you can get irritable and stressed and your brain doesn’t work as proper as you’d like it to because you get ‘liverish’. That means your liver gets tired of running due to little water in your system. It also said that the quality of our thoughts can determine the quality of our lives. I thought, nice, I can see how much quality my life has .It was talking about positive and negative thoughts but this morning I made a promise to talk to someone mature for assistance with my life :D, in future.

And as I was reading another point about getting enough rest, my friend’s son, who was getting his hair cut, and got a bald spot when he moved and was complaining very loudly, said something interesting.

The world has evolved right? So why don’t we have 12 midday to 12 midnight days, since no one seams to sleep before twelve anyway?   8-5 might have worked when we didn’t have computers and the internet but it sure doesn’t do anyone  any good now. So he woke up at midday this morning, maybe to prove his point.

I’ve gotten over my shifting, and I will be shifting again tomorrow(true nomad blood).

I’ll type some more of the novel chapters since I have a willing proof reader and make a portfolio. of my life, I'll tell you my plan.

Btw. Someone asked me whether the novel was set in an African setting or modern ‘like Malaysia’ and I thought about it for as long as I thought about the taste of the water melon  I was going to buy  from the market yesterday, and the seller was surprised at my deep thoughts over a melon and left his son to deal with me as he unpacked the rest of his fruits, so I told her- you’ll have to read to find out.

day 20

In the book, Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, it talks of a point in a woman's life when her wave
crashes. My wave has been heading to the shore all week and today it finally crushed.

I was moving house and feelings of helplessness and sadness took over.
I  felt bad to leave my birds- I know they'll miss me. I also met new people, some pleasant, some I admired, some I watched from a distance. And even though the condominium I stayed has a bad name from the police raids it gets  every other day, I didn't experience any trouble, on the contrary, everyone I crossed paths with was nice. I'll miss the lake too, and the boy who wore jeans and stripped shirts and nearly missed the bus all the time.

So when I got to my new place, I felt heavy with fatigue, sadness and a river.
But my friend said she'd come online and chat with me after work. She's been my friend since high school and always makes me happier.

I read a few chapters of Anne of Green Gables. It's an amazing book. It gives me such an imagination.

Yesterday I did some more editing and proof reading, not as much as I would like but I'm getting somewhere.

I will do more and talk less, rather type less words..

day 19

"Are you going to maybank?"
"Yes."

So when I saw him take a different route I stood up and walked to the front to ask him again.

"Are you going to Maybank?"
"No"
"You said. You. Were . Going . To . Maybank." I said through gritted teeth.

"Okay okay, sit , sit, I go."

I sat behind his seat fumming and preparing for war. Here we were very close to Putrajaya Central, yet I was supposed to be a half hour journey in the opposite direction. We got to the station and everyone alighted. I didn't move an inch.

He drove off at 200km per hr, and I was thinking wo hoo!He's taking me back to Maybank. Then I thought, oh no, maybe he's a suicide bomber and is going to crush
the bus into the first bridge column. So I sat silently and hoped.

Ah, then he turned and I saw Maybank.

"Terima Kasir!" I said to him and flew out of the bus.

He drove away, back to the station. Perhaps cursing me, perhaps cursing himself for trying to be clever.

I was smiling really hard, it's unusual for that to happen. The least I expected was to be kept packing at the station until the next bus came half an hour later.

Chapter 5 and 6 is going pretty well. I need to edit the punctuation since I've changed the narrator to third person. I expect to have more time next week I will finish them off and start tying the rest of the chapters. There's no response yet from the publishers. I have to wait 6-8 weeks for them to have a look at it and decide whether to publish. I expect response on one of them, which I sent 7th April soon. Meanwhile, I applied for a copy writing job in one of the Malaysian publications.

I'm tired to the bone marrow, and I will be shifting again on Friday. You'd think I'd have got used to it by now but every time I have to move, which is every few weeks it always feels like a major life shift, which it is in a way because I'll need at least a week to adjust at my next place.

18

I was invited to tea last evening and couldn't be bothered to come back to the
house. English tea means pies and roast and gravy and all that kind of thing. I call it super.

I have to go out in a while to fill out forms- that seems like my
career now, feeling up forms. I do hope they'll give me some forms to fill
for food stamps soon, that I wouldn't mind filling.

Anyway. I've been telling myself I should wait until evening to write this when I'm calmer but I've decided I never followed reason at anytime anyway so I might as well write now when I have fire in me. It could be from the episode of The Avatar- the last air blender me and my friend's kids watched this morning, it could be my hormones acting up,or it could be the fighting mood that has possessed me the last few days.

I woke up on Saturday raging. I was supposed to go out study with some kids but it rained and I was glad it did coz I was obviously in no position to sit and tell kids - no, we must restrain ourselves when people anger us, like the Great Teacher-

So I stayed home and edited the things I told you a couple of days ago, what someone called a Scotsman bad English. All that does to me is remind me that English is a foreign language. After the first page I can't tell who's worse off, me or the Scot.

Then, I typed a query for a children story to phoenix publishers in Kenya.
I grew up with their books- Beautiful Nyakio, The sun and the wind. Those kind.I'm hoping they'll like my idea.

I have to say though, I don't feel very enthusiastic.

I am afraid I might not get responses from these publishers.

I also feel a bit down, and this is my opinion, but I'm not just saying but I've been with people, and when everyone is talking, I listen and I watch and observe get called slow. I have realised that I come from a society that doesn't believe in girls' education. Yes. I always thought that was the North Eastern people habit but oh no. And since I got this understanding,I get it now.

I will write more sense in the next entry. I cleverly uninstalled my Ms. Office from my computer.
I just clicked on it ' because I thought I didn't need it' now I have to do my typing on notepad.

Computer for DUmmies, anyone?

Day 17, Calm down my heart, life is steps.

Three things took my breath away today.

A sunset so red, so round, so big, so confident , like a sun should be.

A small red flower which I later saw was actually orange not red and I stuck it to my hair all day

A lad that wore a black suit, a white shirt and thin orange tie. He reminded me of a chief as I imagine they looked  7 generations ago. Tall, proud, with a good color combination.  

I had an urge to write last night because I had had a really extra-ordinary day. I don’t remember most of it now but in the morning I was really bashed up with little sleep and self pity.
Around three in the afternoon I walked into a Chinese restaurant and was looking at the food asking what is this what is that. So the guy packed me a full plate of handmade noodles with beef and lettuce. I was getting out my wallet to go pay at the counter. I asked what the  combination was called, he said –mee tarik. Then he looked at me and said, no need to pay lah, just have it, but come again. You should have seen my smile. I went to sit in one of the metal chairs feeling funny like you feel when you’re in a day dream. I happily ate the meal . I had some money, but not really. What I mean is, I had rm 10. The meal was Rm.6 and honestly, that much on a single meal would blow off my “budget” completely.

 I was remembering the verse in Isaiah 55:1) Hey there, all YOU thirsty ones! Come to the water. And the ones that have no money! Come, buy and eat. Yes, come, buy wine and milk even without money and without price.

And I was smiling thinking, Jehovah hit me with that one to get me off my self pity.

Today I printed out chapter four and five of the novel to proof read. For chapter five, I wrote it in first person but I‘m going to change it to third person narration. A suggestion I read from a book about changing the point of view of a chapter. I edited chapter four and since it’s only 800 words, I will patch it up with another part I haven’t typed but would fit in as chapter four.

Last night I felt the temptation to send in  an old poetry manuscript from 2006. It’s complete, over a hundred pages, with illustrations and five different cover designs, all by my dear friend Ken. It has poetry dating back to year 2001. Since  my writing has changed  to a certain degree, when I went through it it felt a bit basic and too contemporary but I guess there is no harm since at that time I really felt that was super work. I’ll write a query and decide whether to send it.

Otherwise, it has been a good week, even though I did a few things which thinking back I told myself- Some of the things you do Ciss,can only be explained  with medical terms. That felt satisfactory enough, especially after hitting my knee on a crossbar someplace. Don’t ask what I was doing. Just that sometimes I imagine I’m Catherine Ndereba.

I took a walk to the lake and watched some fishermen, they had a big net and caught about three small fish for the half hour I was there, and some frenzied guys on a motorbikes were asking- you alone ah? No friend ah? I wished to show them a video called cat calls by  Amalia Ortiz, try find it on youtube it's funny.

 I  enjoyed the wind and imagined I was at the beach.

Moyo wangu tulia, maisha ni hatua

day 16

(the art in us)

I totally forgot today, until I got a 'kind' reminder from one of my faithful readers. My days have once again ran into each other. I spent the afternoon at the 6th Islamic Economic Forum at Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre. I’m not Muslim but I live in a Muslim country. My friend was screening some short documentary films he made in Thailand and had some free passes.
There was art, live music, comedians and I got to talk to one Mohmd, can’t spell his other name and I didn’t write it down. He is an artist who paints with his toes.

I came home and checked my mail to see if the publishers replied, not yet. But, I got news from Robert, he’s translating one story to Swahili, he finished it, and will be sending it for me to have a look. :)

I also was thinking about my old journals, whether to get rid of them or read through them first. I tore off the cover from one to use it in one of my poetry books. So I am not sure, the journals have some deep stuff which could be turned into a novel, but on the other hand the very reason that I had those thoughts written down and not spoken might mean they are not really meant for public. Maybe I should concentrate on typing out the rest of the novel in case the publisher wants to read it.

I read a few more chapters of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus in the bus and learnt that- the secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him- aha ha. My point exactly.

I have a list of undone things, I'll see how I manage before the weekend. My housemate vanished and it's not funny staying alone. Well, unless it's your house and you're a single person, or a widow/er , but then the house would be small and you might have  a pet....
I've been feeding the two birds that live under the tiles. Not feeding, more like leaving scraps for them . I left them pear pieces and some snack from an Indian shop. They were making a lot of noise this morning standing by the food but it doesn't seem touched. Maybe they don't like that kind of food. And i find myself  wishing I was an old lady with 5 cats and a parrot.

DAY 15- click send

I woke up annoyed and disturbed. It was too hot last night and I kept waking up to turn on the air conditioner higher and lower, to open the doors then close and other similar night activities.

So as I made tea and thought about my life I realised I need to change my perspective. I need to work harder. I need to be more courageous. I need to do something to assist others instead of waiting for people to assist me all the time.
I Lack fire. I’m going to get fired up.

I will do my work. I will finish things I need to finish. I will do things a little more faster. I don’t have to worry about being out in the street. Jehovah hasn’t let that happen, why should I worry now.
I will write more. It is the only thing I have passion for, the only thing I can do everyday.

I also realized that I need to love more. I don’t love enough. Yeah, it hit me right in the face. I am afraid of being hurt and disappointed and ‘losing myself.’ So I will love more, starting with the ones that surround me. I don’t necessarily mean romantic love. Basic love which everyone practices.
So filled with this new fire. I took out my book queries and stories and read them over. I got out my book of addresses and started to type.

I sent the novel to East African Publishers. I sent one of the children story to Ladybug Malaysia.
There can only be three answers.
Yes, No , Maybe. Let’s see what they give me.
If they don’t reply . I will call them to find out what answer they’ll issue.

Day 14

There is someone that wakes me up at four every morning by banging their door very hard. Usually I just lay and try to go back to sleep with difficulty but today I stayed on. It was very dark. If I knew who it was, we would not tell each other good(I’d give him a piece of mind).

I typed the query to the editor, a synopsis, and table of contents. I went through it a couple of times and it felt ready to be sent.  So I composed an e-mail and sent.

To my cousin. If you know my cousin this is as good as sending to some guy in specs at a publishing company. When I finished highschool and was very sensitive and conscious with my looks, it was my cousin who told me- You can never be a model, you don’t have any boobs. What followed was pure circus, a few had dropped jaws, others were waiting to see what would burst (what would happen)in the room, I was swirling, insulting and threatening. My uncle lit a cigarette and went to dig a hole behind the house.

He was right anyway,  so sending my manuscript to him was the bravest thing I did all week. He’ll probably look at it and ask me-why don’t I concentrate on writing love poems?

I also sent it to my friend Estah, because she likes a good story and will correct me. She told me the names are not all that so I need to find  good names for a novel.  

I did not meet the deadline, but I’m happy I have the query, the synopsis, chapters 1,2 and 3 and a  scope of how long the rest might take to type.

In  a sense, I did beat the deadline since I am just waiting for the critics then I can forward the e-mail to EAP.

This morning I remembered something about my first language. It reads this way  B C D E G H I J K M N O R T U W Y The vowels are a e i o u ĩ ũ , and we have syllables like nga, ngwa, twi, ng’e  ng’we, ndwa, ng’u. I was trying to spell the greeting – wĩmwega, are you fine? To a European, it was like me trying to write Tamil.

I will send the manuscript  this week, when I have  no doubt that I’ve done my best to present  myself well.

What I don’t understand is their asking for a picture. I remember the last time I did some freelance.   Meeting my boss in person cost me my job, somehow. He didn’t think someone my age should write a society column. As if we don’t have google to tell us everything. So I’m not happy about being asked for my picture, what does my picture got to do with anything? I don’t even have one decent picture to send to publishers, They should say what type of posture, not just passport size, I’m not applying for and accounting job

 I'm considering sending them these.

  pictures can bring long stories, you might now hear them asking for  a chromosome test based on the pictures. That will be the end  my career.

day 13- The clock is ticking.

Wohoo! When the alarm went off this morning, every part of my body was paining. I’ve been taking too many stairs, typing too many words and my nerves have been on edge all week. The whole night I was trying to think how to connect chapter two to three. So feeling frustrated last night, I just typed what I said to myself would be the ending of chapter three.
I woke up and read the last chapter and that got me right up. I gave myself a part on my back for that. It’s been years and I have forgotten how the story ends. I am glad I decided to type it out myself because as I type, I’m getting new ideas and pulling out things that don’t feel up to date. When I finished I typed it out and this man asked if he could read when I said it was a story. He read and said- nice, I feel like I’m reading a novel, he said and I gave him the link to my blog.
Pease don’t ask me why I’ve waited this long to decide on the publishing house to send the manuscript to. I have three alternatives.
East African Publishers (I sent them short stories before but they were interested in a novel. I like the idea of having a book published by them because they have published one of my favourite writers, Barbara Kimenye. Although it could be the logo they put on the back cover. I’d like to have that on my novel.
Macmillian. I was going to send to them but I’m wondering what if they make it into a –Trend setter- the trendsetter books are good but the paper yellows with time. And Also every time I think Macmillian I think of school text books, Malkit Singh type of books.
Story moja, I already sent them a children story. I am not sure about them, I have a feeling they look for a particular kind of writing.
So we try East African Publishers.
I haven’t typed the query, now that the date is actually here, I wish for time to drag a bit, like right now I’m listening to Colbie Caillat. Earlier on I went to sit by the lake and throw stones inside. It doesn’t sound nice like when you throw a stone into a dam. But when you throw it a bit further away it makes nice ringed vibrations.
I will let you know how the send off goes. I’m anxious and worried about typos but that again is an excuse. I will look over chapter two and three again just to make sure.

Today I confirmed that I don't like speaking on the phone. Usually I need to think about something, and on the phone there isn't much chance for that so it annoys me. I am a texter.
 I'll sleep now, this week I've done things that would normally take me two months to finish. You get the picture .

The lake

Day 12

I was feeling a bit mixed up today after standing in the bus for a long time. I went to sit in a park next to a lake and had a nice thought.

I will fight you life,
Not with arms and fists and deception,
But with every tear, and every brain cell.


Every nerve in my body is strained, and I'm blinking with sleep, but it's a dozen days and I need to report.
I have some good news for you. I showed one of the children story to my friend's ten year old(he's an accomplished violinist) I was not very confident about giving it to him, he can be blunt, like most children are, and after reading for a while he came to me and asked
- why does the bee have a wig?-
Haha, A typo, which I quickly corrected.
As I was leaving, he came to me and said.

-You want to sell this right?-
I nodded and he said
- I'll design the cover-

The images I had in my mind went like this: an African Writer, a Chinese Cover Designer, an Indian Illustrator.
To complete the math, I was wondering is any of you out there from the Middle East, Europe, Australia,Oceania, USA, Antarctica? It would add a nice touch if,I had reviewers from different parts of the globe.

Another good news is chapter one of the novel is complete now. I re-arranged the words and paragraphs and gave someone to read. It does sound better now I must say.


Side note, the short haiku doesn't sound quite right but what I mean is, I will give life a fair fight, I won't just give up, give in. I will stand up and face it up squarely.

Day 11

There is nothing hard as writing a query , I found out last night. I copied some sample queries and was trying to structure them in my own words. I wrote three. One for the novel and two for a short story to two publishers. One in Malaysia and another in Kenya. I’m thinking I will also pitch the Swahili translation to other Swahili speaking countries like Oman, just a thought.

Like I promised, I need to have a good report on the 15th. I will beat this.

While I was looking over the novel, I changed some character names and also the arrangement, I must say it sounds a little better even to myself. I had this thought, Here I am talking and talking about publishing. If an interested publisher said to me hey you, can I have a look at your things? I would start to run around looking for my novel parts which are in various locations in my computer . and the chance might never come again. Like when I got a chance to speak to one Editor of the Saturday Standard, In Kenya. I must say it was embarrassing. I was near their building one morning when I decided to go in to their offices. I didn’t actually think I’d get to see him in person so it was just me and my words. I didn’t even have an idea which section I wanted to write. That’s embarrassing, I shouldn’t even be saying it . But it’s been 5 years so that’s history. I’m learning from it.

So along with sending one manuscript out this week, I will get organized.
The other thing is I realized that self publishing is not going to work. I don’t have any money so that is just one of those hopes and dreams . I will put that aside and concentrate on trimming and beautifying what I already have. If the publishers say no, then I guess I will just keep writing and maybe one rainy afternoon my children(If I don’t get published I’ll probably just go on and find a husband and start a family) will find my papers in an old file in the storeroom and say to me :Gathoni, you didn’t say you write? (they’ll call me Gathoni when they see the name on the manuscript. Or maybe they’ll call me Gathoni all the time because they won’t take me seriously enough to call me mother)And maybe they will want to use them for their school compositions since they won’t have an imagination , I figure they will want to be accountants and other such serious things-

I’ve been reading a bit, doing plenty of research too, there is something about reading that (I wanted to say, that improves the thoughts and viewpoints but I think this is not yet proven and ‘improve’ to me is a different interpretation :D) Let’s just say reading is good for all of us.
So this season I’m running. My aunt(tata) would tell me when I asked why she was always running here and there. ‘ũgateng’erio nĩ maku. To mean, your own affairs will make you run.

Day 10 came too soon.
But, I wrote four out of the 5 articles to save my life. Now I wait to see if anything gives birth(comes out of the hard work)
I edited chapter one of the novel, rearranged everything and today I’m taking it for a second opinion before I send to a publisher. I’ve realized I’m not as good as I thought in making story openings, but I know someone who can tell me right out what she thinks.
I’ve read a third of Anne of Green Gables and have completely abandoned Venus and Mars but will be getting back to it as soon as I take care of other responsibilities.
I also printed out some of the children stories, and planning to place them with some kids to get an opinion. I got a response form my friend who is a school teacher, she says there is a market for children’s books as long as they are colourful and cheap.(I should get the black and white concept out of my mind).

On other matters, this week I appreciate my mother. It is a pity that it took me this long. But I guess that’s another good thing to come out of this journey ‘to find myself.’ In all my years of basic education, primary and education, I never once got sent away from school because of fees balance. My mother did a cleaning job and every month sent granny my keep. At that time I always thought- she ought to, she’s my parent.

I never knew how it felt to be kicked out class, or be told in front of people- you owe the school, or be threatened that you’ll miss your exams, in this case, have your visa canceled. Now I know the feeling so well. I understand the sacrifices my mother made.

When my books are published, I hope she can take a break from her cleaning job to visit, London, Japan and Bangkok-her favourite places.

Day 9

I’ve been struggling with this since 7p.m, it’s now half past ten., I don’t feel like there’s much to report.
My associate, Lluvia, who is sketching illustrations for the stories will bring them tomorrow. I’m looking forward to looking at them. I also rearranged one of the stories, which I already sent to Story Moja for consideration. My friend suggested I make a better opening. So I think I’ll translate this version and pitch it either to the same publisher or another.
Thing is, I’ve done a lot of mouth work. Telling all my friends with young children that my books are coming out soon, and they all say, yes we shall buy. Actually, when I tell people I’m going to publish books they say- oh really, we’re waiting. And I know some who have been waiting very long.
Last night I did some serious work. I opened a Paypal account to facilitate the online publishing idea. Spent the entire evening squinting at the screen trying to find out where the code is. I still don’t know how to get the code. If anyone knows, do tell, the instructions on their website didn’t help me.
Three years ago when I was ready to publish, I had three sponsors. I still owe one his share. I refunded the others when the publisher asked for more than he had asked initially. My friend Ken put in the sketches and background and designed so many covers according to my whim. To this day I still feel, what a delay, this book should be out in print.
I just need to get away from my day dreams for two weeks and I’ll have something tangible. That’s why I have this blog. This is my watchman. I’m also cooking, to help me to concentrate. Well, at least that’s what I hope it will accomplish. I think of what to combine and then stand there and wait for the food to cook. The days of burning food to a crisp are fading into the past. So today I made a potatoes and a sardine curry, it turned out better than I thought even though I forgot to add garlic and lemon as I had planned to and nothing burned.

Day 8

I would like to go for a coffee with an artist. We’d talk about the structures, the waiters and make up stories about the people next table. Then we’d meet a year later and pick up from where we left.

This morning I was thinking about one time I visited an artist’s house. There were paintings and montages , sculptures and music. I drunk the coffee offered and looked around feeling quite happy.

Out of the 6 lists I made of things to do last week, I ticked off 35 of them. That’s something. I know I run around aimlessly panicking and running out of breath, but at the end of the day things get done.

So this week I have a different list.
1. Collect together the first three chapters of my novel,
write an introduction letter and send to the publishers by
15th March.I mean May.
2. Make inquiries to online publishing organizations.
3. Write the so said 5 articles to save my life
(Will tell more about this in future).

Please remind me if I forget. This is not the first time I've had a deadline . The only difference is this time, whether I do this or not will determine what my life will be like in a few months.

I’ll make myself a dress with the material that remained after making the therapy bags. Yes I got paid for them, and bought airtime to call home later tonight.

Day 7

Aren’t they just cute!
I hope their owners will think the same. I completed them this morning, took me exactly one week.
Last night was short, I didn’t write for many reasons and excuses. I got home and every part of my body was aching. So bad the sewing I did went all wrong because I was so sleepy and I had to re-do it this morning.

Most of today was spent Googling publishers and connections. I can’t say I’ve accomplished much. Been Trying to find an illustrator I worked with three years ago, he worked for Mountain Top Publishers, but all I can remember was his phrase-shika hadithi, although I’m not sure, it might have been kamata hadithi. The reason is, the company published children’s stories, so I could ask him something to that effect.
The other option is to publish online. I’m warming up to the idea. Let me Google some more to get comfortable.
Somehow I feel disappointed with myself, I think it comes from living alone. It gets to you.
I tried attracting some birds to feed at my balcony, two started coming and then I thought- I’m only in this house for a few weeks. So when they came today I just looked at them and I felt more lonely than ever.
There was an article I was writing , about beauty cosmetics for a beauty magazine called Extravaganza. It didn’t add up.
This week has been extremely exhausting and with the authorities threatening to deport me each day; it’s no wonder I feel blank and blur.
Also, my design project is not making me feel happy at all. I showed the designs to Lewis-he’s a system’s admin and he said-Let me work on them this weekend, yeah, don’t trouble your little head-
I drunk a ginger ale yesterday, the first one in Malaysia and it was a total fail. Tasted like something you drink from a bowl. I miss the Kenyan one. Reason why I mention this is because every other drink I’ve tried got me hooked. Here’s a first I never want to try again.