Battle Fatigue

I feel like I crossed the threshold of something significant today.

It feel like all the weight from the past and for the future has finally settled into a comfortable home within me where I no longer need to haul it along but to simply let it be wherever it wants to  be.

I feel like I've stopped fighting against the goads.

I'm cowardly but very courageous while doing it.

It reminds me of the time my uncle started teaching me self defence.

He had just got out of jail and was trying to fill in the time before he got his ID processed.

While he wasn't flirting with every single girl to woman between 25-50,

he hang around the back of his brother's kitchen singing scandalous lyrics to songs he obviously made up in his time in 'college' as he called it.

He made me do each move over and over .

I lifted weights 

I did squats and kicked and punched and when I felt I couldn't do another single burpie he'd say, 'if you do two more, those are the one's that count.'

Then he told my me to tell my mother to get me a sports bra.

My mother said 'ndigithiai-niī

And then schools opened and I continued to do the exercises and it's true, the ones you do after you feel you can't do anymore are the ones that matter.

(I really miss his, he was the realist relative that lived.)

I feel like I am beyond the two extra workouts.

In life.

I feel like I've been training and training and done the extra rounds and now I am just plain exhausted.

I could do it all again, with less agitation but I really would prefer rest, and probably automation.

In her book, Daring Greatly Brène Says that

'often the result of daring greatly isn’t a victory march as much as it is a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue.'

I have battle fatigue.

Paper kites- Halcyon