I was praying today and I mentioned something that made me pause.
It wasn't very profound at first but the more I thought about it I realised, ooooo,this is what I mean.
All my life, I have approached life as something to do to get out of the way. A minor inconvenience, a thorn in the bum,an inescapable fate
And though I have filled it with beautiful things, it has always felt as though this life was not meant for me.
That others deserve it more than I do.
I remember having a discussion with my friend and she said, she has never even imaged her life beyond death. She felt that she had received enough in this life and others should get the next life, not her because she neither desired nor deserved it.
The complete opposite to my feelings
I always thought I was given the short end of the stick and no matter what I do it will never work out so why prolong it?
Very few things in my life have felt meangful, I have been waiting and longing for the next life with a heartbreaking urgency.
But today, on my way back home I felt very very light. I had spent the morning cleaning and scrubbing my grandmother's house. I was smiling , and the thought came to me that, actually I don't feel stressed.
In the Alchemist, the boy is asked to shine some glasses at the tea house 'it will cleanse your soul.' he is told.
I guess cleaning has that effect on a human body. It sets it free. So I prayed that I may open myself to life.
Not out of duty, not out of lack of otherwise, but because life is a beautiful thing. It doesn't have to be perfect.
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