THIS CHIC- 5 types of Relationships to keep you from toppling over.

Your Pseudo Aunties

These are you mother’s friends who you have known since you started to talk. They are the ones who came for visiting day, took you to snake park on Tuesdays when it was a public holiday but your mother had to work and came to all the funerals. Your mother’s friends are the cool girl friend you wish you could have. They will be smart, organised  with all the right connections and totally awesome for updating your wardrobe. They also will puff your esteem by asking you to do things for them that make you seem smart.

 Like installing true caller on their phones, or composing the minutes of a meeting they had with their staff in a Word Document. And they get so amazed at how their friend’s daughter can be so clever. They are the ones who pray when you have gatherings, because you are all from different faiths and her, being neutral won’t hurt anybody.

A pseudo aunt is at times a surrogate mother, coz unlike real blood aunties there will never be a competition for affection. Your mother cannot say, you are stealing my child’s love. They will even encourage it since this is their friend. And you, you can love these women without the reservation you may have towards your blood relative. That thing that keeps us from being close to people because we don’t want to be clingy?

They can be careless girlfriends who laugh with you when there is a high but they will also be the ones pinching you ears harder than your mother ever did. Your pseudo- aunties will be the one your people call when you start on downhill course, when they have tried everything. Beating,starving, threatening, refusing to pay you fees, throwing you out. They say to her- ta mwarĩrie niĩ nĩanemete...

One of my cucu’s girlfriends, a smart woman with a nuclear family and a steady job, she was half my cucu’s age but they’ve always been tight. And even now she still goes to see my cucu and brighten her up. Loyalty. When I was growing up, she would appear when stuff had happened or was about to happen. When I was in class eight, she came and told me- I am praying for you to go to Ngandu, choose Ngandu-

I didn’t believe in myself that much but it made me want to go to this Ngandu. My uncle had said by the things were looking, I might end up in Walasojet Secondary School. I didn’t think it was a bad idea, Walasojet seemed like a place with history compared to a Catholic convent.

When I was preparing to go to Ngandu. She came and gave me a 20 minute walk lecture. That’s how she talked to me, she would say, ‘nginyia Mĩtero,’ a twenty minute walk where she would pay all attention to me. This time she explained about all girls’ school and lesbianism in detail. I was grossed out of course.

 Several years after high school, when girls my age were all married with two kids, a Toyota Sunny and a husband turning oval, she was convinced I was a lesbian since according to reports I wasn’t making any introductions and she tried to hook me up with a smart middle aged boy.

I got other lectures through all high school, when I was number 30 out of 35 in Form 1. And in form two she told me. 

‘You are a beautiful girl, know that. Boys will tell you that, but know you are and when they tell you, tell them you know.'  I didn’t believe I was  beautiful, at least not entirely.  I liked bits of myself, but she seemed convinced.  I guess she was told there were  boys coming home to just pass by, one of them cycling 80 kilometres of hill to reach home. Kwa mwendwa gũtirĩ irĩma nama, my neighbour had laughed.

She still lectures me when we meet. When I have lost weight, when I am obviously not getting enough sleep, not calling home as often..
But she will also be quick to mention when I seem content and not tow withdrawn. 'You are still a good girl,' she will tell me.

My other Pseudo aunt is my mother’s friend who has always been about, I guess I love her as much as I love other people I am related to by blood, but mostly, as with other pseudo family members, is the respect I have for her. Mostly for sticking with us through tough times, happy times, lean times and never ever being judgmental. She also does not tolerate badly cooked food, or little food. 'You need to feed people, not give people a taste of food,' she says.

She got married in her late 40s and to me that was the coolest thing.  She was ready to give up a measure of independence, be a second wife to a widower. I viewed it as courage, something a huge number of us won’t try. We would rather watch the show from the sidelines. 
She wanted to do it properly. Her daughter was grown up, now she could focus on her life.

This aunt is responsible for updating my wardrobe. She has an eye for pretty things and all through my life I’ve had things from her. Panties, a dress, pajamas, A pair of Jeans, she is generous without making you feel like a pauper.

Your 12 girlfriends

Every woman needs at least 12 female friends or two super girlfriends. These will stop you from making serious mistakes in your life, give you therapy when your heart is cracking and bring you back to earth when you’ve started to walk on air.

Your girlfriends are able to take a good look at you and tell you to grow up-coz you are acting 12, and you won’t take it badly.

cheesy conversations  like these that dust out the heart

Your girls will call you for a sitting down, to ask you where you have been these two weeks because they heard you have been missing and suspect you might be up to something vile.

The reason you need twelve is because each one has a role in the relationship. You cannot tell your psychologist girlfriend your financial matters, those are handled by your accountant girlfriend who will take a look at your spending habits and decide you cannot even afford biscuits for the rest of the month.

😭😭😭

          Not even the  five bob Nuvita blue ones.

Your image consultant will tell you to stop buying those old shoes and just get two good shoes, even though your happy shopaholic girlfriend said you need blue doll shoes to wear with your cream skirt.

Your aunt lulu girlfriend will listen to your family issues and come to family gatherings and even visit your mother by herself, and you suspect your mother likes her better.

Your girlfriends are the rope that you grab to when the mud starts to swallow you. Your women folk.

But you gotta maintain the loyalty. A 15 year friendship can be torn down in one day, no looking back. Intuition plays a big role in girl’s friendship. And I don’t mean those, we go shopping together and share a tailor and love Filipino soaps cheerleader let’s be best friends girl friendship types here. 

I mean the I am so tired and I’m just gonna plop up here on your couch and you better feed and entertain me otherwise I’m gonna kick it- I shall- Kind of girlfriend. The girls you have lost respect for but deeply respect and would never talk behind their back. You love her to death but you order her around like she is you maid. 

And she borrows your lipstick, the expensive one, the MAC the one you bought when you did that job that gave you unexpected cash and you know you will never afford it again. And they lost it. And they are not sorry because they don’t know why you suddenly won’t leave the house without lipstick?

That kind of friendship, is the one you need to help you get off your high house and be human like the rest. I think maybe it’s a sort of a sister hood friendship for those who would understand how having a sister is like. The friendships you would feel dead if you lost them. The ones that when you mess up you stop functioning until the damage is repaired.

One of my girlfriends, little girl, well not so little now she is a wife somewhere. By being friends with her, I started to try to be a better person. More forgiving, more patient, less opinionated, more hardworking, more respectful, more down to earth. For the many times she forgave me, was patient and by observing her dealings with her people, my people, the public and how when she came home , though not speaking our language, touched everyone’s hearts and they still ask for her, which makes me think that really a language barrier can only be as high as you want it to be but it can never be unscaleable. I almost lost her one time. The fault was all mine of course.

Your 12 girlfriends probably don’t even like each other, but one your important days they will be together, all trying to be there for you as they know how, all trying to come off as the best girlfriend to you. Wondering why you are dating that proud PHD man who talks with his hands on his waist and wears bright red ties and who will probably turn you into a light blue matching coffee table and sofa set cloth, white pumps and weave middle aged housekeeper who only laughs on cue.

Your girls will smile and grin at him and wish he would disappear so they can slap you to you senses.  They do slap you if they catch you.

next up: your boys, your mothers and your disciples.