This Chic: On Vomit inducing texts

 One of my friends will from time to time hint that I need to get myself out there.

A beautiful woman like you, you should be out there going on dates.

So she recently texted me 

 Telling me I need to meet someone we both knew a long time ago.

I told her to be ware, she might end up in a story.

She means well.

Just like my aunt meant well when,

An eligible bachelor asked for my number.

And I got a vomit inducing text saying:

‘Xaxa?’

And before I could respond another one came.

‘Naitwa Denno’

(Some names have been replaced to protect the culprits )

But who introduces themselves by their nicknames.

I waited two days and then another three came.

‘Gathoni, mbona kunyamaza hivo?’

‘Sema.’

‘Nawexa kukucal?’

Ngai Mwathani. Why would you want to call?

He called.

And talked about the weather.

I put on my most masculine voice and said sorry I was heading out could we talk later.

After a month of such nauseating texts he finally said he wanted me as a wife, because he believed I was capable of building up his businesses with him. (Kaari kamūndū kebangīte)

Which is sad really, when you think about it.

If this was 1956 we might have met at a dance and he would have had no trouble explaining his intentions to me.

But throw in a hand phone and language goes out.

But why would you text like a 90’s teenager honestly?

Or maybe I aim too high and should just ignore the lack of language and engage in mind reading.

17 . Plot 65 Tales : Kombucha

 

Aaaai Mwarī wa Nyawīra onawakorwo nī kūhara mūndū nīoigaga andū magoka na karori’

He says the next time you go home you will have to ask for directions.

‘Ugage kwanyu kwarī hakuhī na gwa cibū, na kwarī na mabati Maaī redi.’

You tell him you will go home when you organize your affairs.

He tells you, ‘onokorwo mūtikīrīaga krismasi Easter

Īkīrī na ūūru ūrīkū?

‘Aca tiūguo mama,’

‘Na nīkīī? Nīkīī gīkūgiria ūūke? Jesu akuīte na akariūka kaī arī ūndū mūhūthū we ndūhaie ūke tūrīe gatūrume.’

You tell him you will see.

It’s not as if you have been away from home for a long time. It’s just the Kenyan way of saying we need to see you.

‘Aria aria na tataguo’

You aunt tells you she has joined a group and they are getting unga, but you have to register three people.

‘And if the three people also register other three people, you will get half a bundle of Unga, mūgathiī ūguo kinya no ūheo mbūri. The more people you bring, the more things you get.’

‘ So it’s a pyramid scheme.’

‘ Nīguo ītagwo?’

‘Yes, like the people who sell you Aloe Vera juice.’

‘Ooo ibūyū ici cia gīthukurūi tūkorogwa nacio ciheanagwo na pyramid scheme ici?’

You tell her yes, but reassure her that her pyramid scheme seems legit because right now food is pricey so they have a good selling point.

‘ But people are saying nī cia masonīki.’

I laugh and she goes on.

‘Lakini mimi ata zikue za devil worshipper ni sawa tu bora nimekula unga. Korwo ūrī gūkū ngūgaīre.’

‘It seems reasonable’

‘ I was there today, twathiī twahūyūka mathaa meeri twainūka.’

‘Wueh, these days you have to find a way to release stress.’

‘A, īni, angīkorwo ūraikara ūkaigua ndūrī ūndū ūrenda rī, na kinya mūndū akwararīria ūkarakara .’

‘icio akīrī stress. Ata mimi hakuna kitu nataka ata chakula Nakula tu juu lazima mtu akule.’

‘Ona ithuī gūkū no ūguo, kūgagaya.’

‘But we have to keep looking for ways to remain sane, at least one thing to help us get on to the next day.’

‘Nī ma, ūraikara ūguo ūkaiguo kīūndū kīahanīka.’

You ask if she remembers how Shushu was once in a pyramid scheme.

‘She was?’

‘ You remember when she used to make kombucha? Alafu andū makianjia kuuga atī makunū mau nī ma masoneki, atī makūragio rungu rwa iria .’

‘And the mushrooms had to be burned to prove that they could burn.’

She remembers;

‘ Rīu Shushu angīrī mirionea. Aberdare slopes Kombucha.’

Finding God: How The Man Above answers my prayers

 

I'm happy to be alive. And not just because that's what I should say to show gratitude for life.

 To be honest, life is exhausting, it can be exhausting. 

It's mostly exhausting.

 And more than once in my life I have wondered what's the point of this.

But I'm glad to be alive for another reason. The years I live in accumulation keep opening up my mind to my creator's personality.

 I'm beginning to understand who God is.

 Who he is in relation to me.

 Who he is as a God, as a father, and as a friend.

What it means to draw close to God.

I have, for the longest time been kinda afraid of getting close to God.

With him being so high up there, and me being down here and insignificant.

With him being a man, and me down here having an almost derision towards the male species.

Being self-reliant and independent. I've struggled with being able to pray and trust that God is listening to my childish wants and desires and worries.

I sometimes feel like I am burdening him with all the baggage I drag along.

Sometimes I feel I am not giving him proper respect by confessing some things that are really private and embarrassing.

But the more I have opened up myself to God, the easier it has become to see how cool he is. My friend says she and Jehovah are Boyz- Jehovah ni boyz wangu she says-

For me, I decided to approach Jehovah from a humorous point of view. 

I know that God is a very funny person. Just look at the sloth, the humphead wrasse, the armadillo. I mean, someone that creates such hilarious living things 

must have a huuge sense of humour.

So I talk to my creator as I would talk to an older brother. With respect, but comfortably.

and he answers me. I tell him all the funny things that I think about. I also tell him about

situations that arise in my life that make me a  stay up watching K-Drama so that 

my mind can settle down. I realise I am 

different in many ways from most people I encounter in my society. I don't say this from

 a high-minded pedestal.

I mean like, I interpret things in my own way, I deal with people from the point of

 - this is me-

What you see is what you get. I am not interested in putting up a skit for you,

And me, for the rest of the days that I am gonna live. I've decided the best I can do is look at life

 humorously. Otherwise, I might just crawl under my bed and never come out.

Life is herr.

It's a herrish life.

 I don't mean hellish, we are used to hell, we are on another octane.

But through all the wanderings, I now know 100% that God listens.

And he answers me. Sometimes in Eminem.

  Now hush little baby, don't you cry

Everything's gonna be alright

Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why

We fear how we feel inside

It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby.

 

Sometimes in Tupac

And even though you're fed up
Huh, ya got to keep your head up

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier
Keep-keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter (ohh)

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier
Keep-keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

And we move on.

42 is not the answer

I wandered into a private clinic and asked if they could sell me an antibiotic 

‘ yes, but what are managing?’

“ An infection caused by something that got stuck between some teeth.”

‘ but you don’t need an antibiotic for this surely, a mouthwash and anti inflammatory would be better. Stop misusing antibiotics.’

I told him I had a fever and felt horrible.

He asked if he could take a look.

He looked, and said ‘you definitely need an antibiotic, and a visit to a dentist ASAP.’

Not A es pi. But Asap, like it was one word.

‘ you have periodontitis, and if it’s not taken care ASAP it will get worse.’

He started rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

I will give you a Brufen as well.’

“I don’t take brufen.”

‘ you have ulcers?’

“ Not I don’t but it gives me heart burn.’

‘You definitely have ulcers.’

“ are you trying to scare me with all this information?’

‘no, I’m just vulgar in the way I talk. I call a spade a spade.’

“Still, it’s frightening.”

He stops briefly and comes back to look inside my mouth.

‘you’ve had fillings, but you need more, some of your teeth are completely out.’

I don’t tell him that sounds like a death sentence, I come from a family where teeth have been known to take someone out. But I guess it shows in my worried expression.

‘ it’s a very simple procedure. They just need to scoop out the stuff that’s gone and fill it up or do a root canal or extract  them.’

“I will lose my teeth too.” I say.

‘Not necessarily, and you are young enough. How old are you?’

I tell him to take a guess.

I’m expecting him to say, 27,30 or 32. Then I can smile like the duchess of a non- English speaking country and say,

“Ooh, I wish, I’m so much older. I will be 40 soon.”

He says;

‘You must be in the 45-50 age group.’

I almost fall of my chair.

I laugh and he says, ‘you’re younger than that? Much younger?’

I ask him “is it the hat?”

I’ve been wearing this Marvin we people of Limuru wear when it’s this cold.

‘ maybe, because I can’t see half your face. But you must be a sweet sixteen, please tell me your age?’

“45,” I tell him laughing.

He says ‘ oh no I hurt your feelings.’

“ No you didn’t. It’s just I’ve been telling people I’m 40 for the longest time I guess it’s starting to show.”

He writes down the number of a dentist that went to school with him.

Then gives me the antibiotics.

“ These will make me throw up.”

‘Why?’

“Just the color, don’t you have something neutral?”

‘I thought girls like pink? He starts but then unsure of himself says, ‘ well, maybe it depends on what it is.’

“ You didn’t tell me your name?”

‘You didn’t ask.’

He tells me his name and tells me he won’t charge me for consultation.

I tell him I feel better already.

“We are used to being mishandled by doctors but you’ve been very helpful.”

He goes on something about not accepting anything less from a private hospital.

He’s a nice fellow.

24 at most. The new breed that is not scared of anything or anyone.

I think I just found me a personal doctor.

(Though he clearly told me he is not a doctor but a clinical officer which was sweet. It’s like a disclaimer, I can only do so much for you.)

Adulting 101: Grabbing at life's neck before it chokes you

 Life

Life has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders and telling you ‘like it or not,

 this is what I need you to learn so learn! Upende usipende.

And at first I didn’t get it and would get so shaken and silenced, then run away and hide, cancelling myself before anyone else did.

But you do get to the end of the earth literally and have no place left to run and you just have to stand and fight or listen or let life beat you up until the steam is out.

Left with such grim choices,  I became the tamer. I learned to turn around and grab life by the loose skin on its back and tell it ‘ebu sasa show me those teeth.

Show me your teeth. And when you are done showing me your teeth, I need an option I can work with.’

The result has been that I learned that however sharp life’s teeth might be,  like a feral cat, it can also be cornered.

To corner life you need a certain degree of umang’aa.

There is no way around it. You also learn to bare your teeth.

 

But even as you do so, you must restrain yourself from taking a bite.

Umang’aa means you are being rolled downhill in a Rocky Mountain but you are watching out not to bump on a rock your head and when you reach the bottom you have a bunch of brightly coloured mountain flowers to take home.

It’s also about looking people in the eye until they tell you what they mean by that snort.

Standing in front of someone until they give you back the thing they’ve been keeping because ‘ they assumed hukuwa unaitumia.’

It’s making that trip to see someone who will not appreciate it.

Someone who will probably be thinking, you've come to see me with that one packet of milk, nkt. Si ungetuma hiyo mia tano.

It is sending someone soo mbili when they tell you they have a job interview coming up and you know they’ve been out of work for so long and might need the fare but their pride can’t let them ask. So you send even though you are 100% sure they will say- you didn’t need to-

It’s also looking at people with open faces.

There are too many dirty looks being thrown about.

Mainly because people don’t want to leave an opening to themselves so they

Don’t want to get taken advantage of / seem too naive / msizoeane / so that their wives don’t think there is something going on.

I’ve learned, on a good day, to grab at life with both hands and tell it ‘ I’ll take what you got.’

And on such days life surprises you. Kumbe you just had to ask.

Those are the times I get three new hair clients booked, when someone calls me out of the blue to do some editing work. Those are the times my Siz in law passes by with two bags of unga. Ya chapo na ya ugali.

Yes, life is a threat to all of us still breathing. 

Yet life can be trained to sit, stay and rollover.

Haba ba Haba Hujaza Kibaba

 

Synchronization can be distracting

Both The Shawshank Redemption and The Big Lebowski bombed. If “bombed” means that during the first few weeks, no one went to a theater to see them. Since then, tens of millions of people have seen and talked about these movies.

Tommy James’ first record also failed, because no one played it on the radio for months. And then, one party promoter in Pennsylvania started playing it a lot, and it became a hit. He went on to make seven top 10 hits.

We are primed to pay attention to things that happen in a thunderclap.

But the events that change our culture often happen over time, distributed across parts of the population too small to notice.

The Grateful Dead were the #1 live touring band more years than any other… and yet they only had one top 40 hit. Connection was worth more than wide and shallow sync.

The first challenge is finding the focus and patience to work on the asynchronized adoption of important ideas. And the second is to not sacrifice the larger goal in a frenzied hustle for the big break.

Drip by drip makes a wave.

This is a repost from my favourite content creator

Seth Godin

This Chic: Conversations into Adulthood

 

So it’s like this. I’ve always known I’m a kawaida person. But not kawaida kawaida like vitambaa za viti in my sitting room. A bit stylish But not sleek like who now, your sis in-law ? Like I don’t care for expensive silverware and do not mind an untidy table once in a while, a yard strewn with leaves and chickens.

But I sort of have never sat with the thought long enough until I started hanging out with this family I mentioned.

So they have all these big homes in and farms where people can go camping and they take holidays and the Mum is a professor.

But she’s just kawaida, she doesn’t even do manicures and pedicures and such just walks about in torn sandals.

And she keeps kawaida dogs and has a kawaida couch and her bookshelves are dusty

But they are a family you know, and coz they are so tight they are able to love other people. Lost souls find their way to their home.

That’s the family I want to have. Kawaida, but generous and open and I want people dropping by whenever.

“EXACTLY!”

Yeah... like that ... dealing with banana trees that fell at night and such.

“And you really cannot handle the dust so it stays. But you have a dog and your food is fresh and yummy

And people have one pair of trousers with gumboots they wear every day.”

And a Tshirt with a hole

“And you know they were pjs one time long ago

But because you have a mind, you have fancy fruit and veggies

And make a cappuccino at home”

Yes. With funny print like a red chimney or bugs bunny

“Red Christmas chimney was gonna say that with green leaves haha.”

And you can bake cookies outside and discuss literature.

“And books.”

And sometimes I imagine I’ll have this earthshaking meeting of minds with the guy I’ll marry, but that’s not gonna happen. All you get is some guy who cannot match his suits bringing you oranges when you are sick not the sleek ones with their chocolates.

“It won’t be an earth-shattering meeting of minds.. more a slow burn as he doesn’t know how to be sleek with a woman.”

There was a guy once, he would bring me oranges and burn me CDs by boy bands and it was kinda corny but I was still in the age of romanticism and still expecting that earth-shaking moment where the water parts and the train starts to move and he has to run a few meters to say how he feels.