This Chic: Growing Finer.

One of the things that have me really pumped is how beautiful I feel recently.

 I have never had a problem with my physical appearance, but whenever people said to me- oh you are so skinny, I wish I was skinny like you- I have always slapped back the compliment by saying- oh, but I wish I had more junk in the trunk, and a cleavage-

Because when you are born on this continent, you find out quite early that if you cannot shake your bum bum, then something is missing.

 I tried to gain weight, several times, but the more I tried, the more I lost, and one time when I actually put on some kilos, it all lined up along my midriff,  and burst the mixed tribe race myth I tried to hide behind and confirmed me  100% Kikuyu, no DNA required. 'Tires' are a speciality we the daughters of Gĩkũyũ and Mũmbi cannot escape.

So being slim all though my 20s and most of my 30s wasn't really ideal, and even when I look at my pictures from then I cannot say I really like the look.

Then came the 35 turn and things started to change. I got fleshier, my skin looked brighter, and with my hair locked. I kinda locked in the look I have been wanting all my life.

Hitting the gym was a game changer too.

SO many times I have caught my image in the mirror and mentally done a double take coz damn, who is this fine looking mama looking back at me?

I love my body, I love the calm pace that I have attained. I no longer rush through life melancholic like I did for so many years.

 I guess it has something to do with acceptance too. Accepting that this is my life now, this is the best it can get, and the people in it right now are the people I have carefully tried and tested and finally decided that, these are the people I want circling my orbit.

These are the people that know my flaws but still hold me when I need to be held. These are the people who give me strength to be great. Because  even when I have lost faith in my self, I get a little prod in my back to tell me, 'keep carrying that light you shine high.' I have a whole batalion of humans and other living beings that support my existence.

 Part of living is understanding that we cannot exist in a vaccum, we are communal animals we are living breathing creations  that must be, not only connected to the source, but, must continually feed from other creation. We are co-dependent, and slightly fused, if we attempted to detach we'd fail terribly, collapse, lose it all.

There is extreme beauty in my life.

Perhaps that's the reason I feel beautiful, even with scars and a body that likes to take long agonising breaks sometimes.

I recognize radiance in most spaces I find myself in. I have the ability to hold beauty and ugliness in both hands, I have enough  grace to clutch tightly at pain in one hand, while joy reverberates on the other. I have gained the poise to know that while I may be good, while I may try to do good and live a decent life, I am constantly making mistakes, giving in to wrong ideas sometimes, my toxicity is always present in my life. But there is consolation in the fact that I am dust. Not star dust, that's too high, I am earth dust. 

But while I may be clay, I am trying to be the best version of clay I can be.

(CATHARTIC)